The Goddess Speaks
What sort of man deserves a 'quality' woman?
ISN'T IT funny how a casual remark can spark days' worth of musings? These offhand remarks slip out unawares yet have a way of lingering and cajoling you into a thinking frenzy. Which is exactly what happened one night as I sat at my favorite wine bar in Market City Shopping Center.
I half listened while a friend bemoaned the hardships of finding the "right woman." Handsome, single and oh so charming, he talked of how difficult dating was once you found yourself past 40. I don't know, I thought, looking at all the 30-something women in the room -- wouldn't it be like, what do they call it, "shooting fish in a barrel"?
I found it difficult to believe that this man beside me, so charming and attentive, had not been snagged up already. And just when he had me totally sympathetic to his plight, out came that "casual, offhand remark."
"You know why it's so hard? he began. "Women my age are either divorced with kids or have never been married. And the never-been-married ones are usually messed up, with issues, that's why they're still single."
OK. Now he's got my attention, and when he mentioned looking -- no, searching -- for a woman of "quality," I was hooked.
For days I thought about our conversation and just what the heck constituted a woman of quality. It seems as though men in their youth live it up with females who also enjoy having a good time. I don't think the idea of "quality" is even considered. Time passes and middle age happens. Tired of running around, the men decide it's time to settle. Only now it can't be with just any woman, she's got to be a woman of quality.
AT WHAT POINT does that requirement kick in? Is there some unwritten code that spells out those so-called qualities? And if such a code exists, I hope it isn't archaic, you know, the never-been, never-had, never-did kind of list, complete with chastity belt with no key.
Or could it be that men think they want quality, when really, they don't know what they want, they've just become choosier with age?
My thoughts drifted back to my friend. Would he ever find her? Does she even exist? And did he stop to think that maybe the reason so many middle-age women are "messed-up" is in part due to a father, boyfriend or ex-husband? In short, he can thank his own gender for that. And really, I hope he realizes that women his age are also looking at him and thinking, "Hmm, wonder why he's single? What could possibly be wrong with him?" It's that darn two-way street.
But in the end I couldn't help but sympathize. What a tough fairy-tale land he's found himself in. He's like the prince in "Sleeping Beauty," riding around the countryside and finding no Sleeping Beauty to kiss awake. Instead, he's finding a lot of wide-awake, independent, middle-age women unwilling to kiss just any old fool riding up on a white horse. I wish him well.
Debra Evans is a Hawaii-based writer.
The Goddess Speaks is a feature column by and about women. If you have something to say, write "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210,
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