|
Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger
|
Put Congress' brain power to the test
IF THE NO Child Left Behind Act is necessary to ensure that our children are prepared to succeed in society, it follows that such acts are necessary to assure that presidents, Congress persons, judges and voters can hold up their end of society, too.
And as with the No Child act, potential presidents, congressional representatives, judges and voters should have to take big, hairy tests -- just like the kids -- to make sure they are prepared to do their jobs as citizens. We presented the No President Left Behind Act test questions in the first of this series on Sunday. Today we propose a big, hairy test that would-be U.S. senators and representatives should have to pass.
No Congress Person Left Behind Act Test
» Congress is one of three (A. Branches B. Twigs C. Prosthetic limbs D. Thingies) of government.
» Congress's main job is to (A. Party hearty B. Pass bills C. Pass the buck D. Fake a handoff to the fullback and throw deep).
» A group of more than four congressmen is called a (A. Rabble B. Gaggle C. Plethora D. Guys waiting for a lap dance).
» A group of more than four congresswomen is called (A. Trouble with a capital "T" B. Hillary Clinton's doggettes C. A good start D. Your Highnesses).
» The head of the U.S. House of Representatives is called the (A. Squeaker B. Leaker C. Speaker D. All of the above).
» The originator of a bill is known as the (A. Perpetrator B. Idiot across the aisle C. Future former distinguished colleague D. Historical footnote).
» The most interesting thing about South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond is that (A. He never beat his slaves B. After dying at age 100, he continued serving in the Senate for several months before anyone noticed C. He referred to 88-year-old West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd as "the kid" D. When he shouted "harumph!" dust would come out of his mouth).
» A British Tory is to an American conservative as a Whig is to an American (A. Turnip B. Hollywood movie extra C. Doormat D. Liberal).
» U.S. Sen. Robert "The Kid" Byrd refused appointment as a U.S. Supreme Court Justice because (A. He didn't want to wear a black robe B. The South might rise again C. Clarence Thomas refused to drive him to work D. He's captain of the Senate Geezers softball team).
» The highest-ranking U.S. senator also is (A. President pro tem B. President semipro tem C. President amateur pro tem D. a geezer).
» "Filibuster" is (A. A chocolate bar with nuts B. A long rambling speech designed to cut into the world word glut C. What Mr. Smith did when he went to Washington D. A dancer appearing at strip bar one block from the Capitol).
» The most powerful committee in Congress is (A. Ways and Means B. Hams and Beans C. Hopes and Dreams D. Plans and Schemes).
» The least powerful committee in Congress is (A. Subcommittee on Mongoose Diseases and Procreation B. Weekly Capitol Hill Cafeteria Menu Subcommittee C. Subcommittee on Keeping Robert Byrd Semiperpendicular D. The one you're chairing).
» The job of the Senate's sergeant-at-arms is to (A. Make sure everyone turns off their cell phone when they enter the chamber B. Serve milk and cookies to the older members during filibusters C. Turn the "laugh" sign on and off during floor debates D. Yell "don't make me get the pokey stick" to members who fall asleep during committee hearings).
» Because the U.S. Congress is composed of two legislative bodies, it is (A. bicameral B. bisectional C. metro-cameral D. Twice the size it should be).
» Each state is allowed only two senators, but the number of representatives it gets is based on (A. How cool it is B. Its chipmunk population C. The number of weapons of mass destruction it houses D. How tall its governor is).
» The practice of redrawing voting district lines to assure an incumbent gets re-elected is (A. Gerrymandering B. Jerry Garcia-ing C. Tom & Jerry-ing D. A fine American tradition).
Charles Memminger's new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's an Umbrella in My Drink!" will be out in October.
|
Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail
cmemminger@starbulletin.com