Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

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Cavemen were normal; we're weird

WE LIKE to think of humans as the modern result of a genetic tree that goes back to the cavemen. We are the ultimate evolutionary result, while all of our hairy-palmed, knuckle-dragging cousins just couldn't cut it, so their branch of the family tree withered and died while our brains continued to develop and we stopped being so hairy and funny-looking. We are the most up-to-date release of this evolving package of human DNA software ... sort of Hominid 5.0 versus Caveman 1.2.

Now, according to Live Science (livescience.com), some researchers think humans are the weirdoes and that the Neanderthals and earlier manlike creatures were the normal ones. It's our anthropomorphic egocentrism that makes us think we are more normal than our furry forebears.

"In the broader sweep of human evolution, the more unusual group is not Neanderthals, who we tend to look at as strange, weird and unusual, but it's us, modern humans," said Erik Trinkaus, a researcher at Washington University.

ACTUALLY, it was GEICO Insurance that really brought this controversial issue to the forefront. GEICO uses actual Neanderthals in its commercials. The announcer says that getting car insurance is so easy "a caveman can do it." He's embarrassed to find out that a couple of cavemen are working the cameras. He takes them to lunch, where he apologizes and says, "I didn't know you guys still exist." One justifiably upset caveman says, "Next time, maybe you should do a little research."

Then when the waiter comes, one caveman orders roast duck with mango salsa, but the other's appetite has been ruined. It rips your heart out. And it proves what Live Science reported, that we modern humans aren't so special after all. It's too bad that it took an obscure Web site and a car insurance commercial to put us in our place.

And speaking of GEICO, I'm getting fed up with that smug British gecko, spouting off about "pie and chips." Who ever heard of a gecko with a Cockney accent? GEICO should be using Hawaii geckos in its commercials. Pidgin-speaking geckos. And we got them. I hear them chatting about fish and poi all the time behind the couch.

GEICO might be helping improve the image of cavemen, but it's setting back gecko appreciation ages. If the world saw what friendly little knuckleheads the Hawaii geckos are, car insurance sales would skyrocket.

(Editor's note: Science was not one of Mr. Memminger's strong suits in school.)