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The Goddess Speaks
Lorraine Gershun
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We share the sad news about a death
I TALK TOO MUCH. All my life I've been told to be quiet. I've been sent to the principal's office, shushed in meetings and shunned by the opposite sex. When I was younger they called me Motormouth.
Over the years I've learned to exert some control over this urge and on occasion manage to hold my tongue. I've also learned that there are some times when it's actually important to talk -- and to listen.
We lost a colleague recently at the school where I work. Beloved among us, she was sick for a while, and it was a hard loss for many in the community.
The day she died, the phone kept ringing and ringing to make sure we'd heard the sad news. They wanted us to know what they knew.
It's not just the knowing, but something in the telling that makes it more real. The knowing together. It's not just gossip. It's deeper than that. It lets it be real -- no matter how much it hurts.
Consider my friend Candy. She knows loss. I have known her through three family deaths, and each one has touched her deeply. But she isn't afraid to talk about it, and when somebody else is suffering, she doesn't turn away. They always come to her. She connects and feels it along with them. By talking, they share it together.
A WOMAN I know was hit by a car last year and killed. She often exercised with us in the morning, but would now be absent.
The next day, as each woman walked in, she stopped at the reception desk to talk for a minute about our friend Gloria. Everybody knew already, but we each needed to say something to state our connection, our loss.
The information manages to take on a momentum of its own. Only a few people know and the phone rings and rings, and all of a sudden everybody is talking about the same thing. People gather their beating hearts, their chicken skin, their teary eyes and share.
The happy events are easier. I can't wait to tell my mom, my friends, anybody who will listen.
My friend Anne recently had a baby. She gave birth at 3 in the afternoon and by 6 p.m. was on the phone to let us know that visiting hours would be the next day. I would have taken a nap.
But when it is tragedy, why is it that people still need to share the news?
Sometimes I feel I'm honoring the person who died, making sure he or she is remembered by those who cared. It's the first step past denial into grief. If you tell somebody what happened, it makes it real. The words give it life, even in death. It's a chance to comfort and be comforted together.
By calling or coming over, we can connect and celebrate or mourn as we take a moment to share the news. A moment to tell and know and feel -- all at the same time. In these situations, it's always the right time to talk.
The Goddess Speaks is a feature column by and about women. If you have something to say, write "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210,
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