Kim fires missile at Honolulu Lite
June 25, 2006:
I refer to Korean leader Kim Jong Il as a "screwed up little dictator in mechanic's overalls" who starves his people to death as a possible result of inadequate potty training when he was just a little pre-dictator.
July 4, 2006: Kim launches a three-stage Taepodong-2 ballistic missile capable of carrying a nuclear warhead at Hawaii. The missile explodes shortly after lift-off, leading American comedians to release a salvo of retaliatory "dong" jokes.
July 5: Top government officials at the Barking Sands missile range on Kauai compute the course the missile would have taken had it not disintegrated amid a shower of fiery debris and hearty laughter and determine it was aimed at Seabury Place in Kaneohe, worldwide headquarters of "Honolulu Lite."
July 6: A hastily formed UN (United Neighbors) committee is formed representing the general Seabury Place area and issues a plea to the offices of "Honolulu Lite" to stop harassing Kim Il Jong and calling him names.
July 7: I hold a press conference near the garbage cans at the end of the street attended by two dogs, a cat and gecko to announce that "Honolulu Lite" will not be intimidated by a missile launch from a lunatic country run by a man who wears mechanic's overalls and considers "Cannonball Run" to be America's greatest movie and Burt Reynolds a god-ish like being.
July 8: The UN committee proposes I take part in six-party talks to ease tensions internationally and within our ZIP code. I agree.
We quickly schedule six parties to address the issue: cocktail party, work party, toga party, pupu party, search party and necktie party.
July 9 to July 10: Party!
July 11: Recover. Drink Alka-Seltzer. Rest. Release Official Six Party Communiqué in which I agree to refrain from using the terms "squirt," "Muppet," "kumquat" and "insect" when referring to the psychopathic sexually constipated little newt in mechanic's overalls who runs North Korea as long as Kim agrees that "Cannonball Run II" was much better than "Cannonball Run," mainly because Susan Anton was in it and Burt's hairpiece looked a little less like a dead muskrat than in the first movie.
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org