The Goddess Speaks
He's not such a super man
WHENEVER I get nervous, my leg starts to shake. When my mom scolded me, my leg shook.
When I received my grades, my leg shook.
And during "Superman Returns," my leg shook.
It's not that I fell in love with the newest incarnation of the Man of Steel. It was more like I fell out of love with him.
Conversely, my husband, Derek, is more devoted than ever to the red-caped superhero. "Superman is the man," he said.
That's the problem. Superman is such the man. When Lois Lane asks him, "Will we see you ... around?" Superman responds with a sketchy "I'm always around."
My leg began shaking. What does that mean? Is he stalking her? After all, he does use his powers to see into her house and eavesdrop on a conversation.
Does it mean the vague, "I can't commit to anything because there may be a hotter damsel in distress"?
Derek wasn't having it. "Superman loves everyone equally," he explained.
That's possible. Superman could have a woman in every country. Maria in Mexico, Natasha in Russia, Ayako in Japan, Zhiyi in China ...
Maybe "faster than a speeding bullet" translates into "I can make time with the ladies at breakneck speed."
DEREK ASKED me what I'd want Superman to do.
"Marry Lois," I shrugged.
You'd think I suggested Superman maul a box of kittens. "If he married her, every bad guy in town would take her hostage. She would be a weakness," Derek said.
Ha. Everyone in Metropolis knows Superman and Lois have the hots for each other. If you're a smart villain, you'd know that to get Superman, you need to get Lois.
"Where do you suggest they live then?" asked Derek, growing more peeved by the leg-shaking minute.
"Who cares? They love each other, don't they?"
"But then Superman would have to hire specially trained security agents to protect Lois 24-7. When would he spend time with her? And would he just leave in the middle of the night to save the world?"
"It's his job, isn't it?" I countered. "Besides, he always finds time to stalk her."
"But he's Superman!" sputtered Derek.
My leg shook more. Fuming, I added, "Isn't it just like a guy to believe that a woman is a weakness? This is how you know men are behind the story of Superman."
Superman is, after all, the archetype of machismo: strong, saves the world and the answer to all of our prayers.
But Superman should commit and reveal his secrets to Lois. He should fly her to a beautiful home, where he'd cook, clean and rub her back. He'd still have time to save the world, because, hey, he's Superman.
Alas, Superman never settles down. He stays single, hovering just out of Lois's reach.
Granted, Superman is excellent at rescuing the world from disaster. We could always use a Superman.
As a boyfriend, however, Superman is a super bust.
Genevieve A. Suzuki is a freelance writer in Honolulu.
The Goddess Speaks is a feature column by and about women. If you have something to say, write "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210,
Honolulu 96813 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.