Why Osama hates America
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Great Satan! I, Osama bin Laden and the entire al-Qaida terrorist organization would like to take this July Fourth to remind you why we -- and a lot of the rest of the world -- hate your country. We hate America because:
» You are too generous. You gave $260 billion to charities worldwide in 2005, including to Muslims in Pakistan after the earthquake. How dare you help our brothers that we didn't even help?
» You saved the world from Nazis, turned Russia into a democracy, found a vaccine for polio. You elect new presidents every four or eight years and America continues to be a country people flee to, not from.
» You let women vote. You educate your women. You allow women to wear bikinis, not burkas. You let women run for office. You pay women the same as men. What is with you and the women?
» People can practice any religion they want. You have a separation between church and state. You support Jews and the Jewish state. Albert Einstein was an American. We hate E=mc2.
» All of your stupid inventions that have changed the world for the better, like: the airplane, air conditioning, blood banks, sliced bread, jet engines, the light bulb, microwave ovens, microwave popcorn, the Internet, Al Gore (see: Internet), Teflon, toilet tissue, the telephone, satellite communications, the TV, the cardiac pacemaker, potato chips, movies, disposable diapers, e-mail, Kevlar, nuclear reactors, the brassiere (women, again!), the cotton gin, steel plow, respirators, herbicides, Wonder Bread and E=mc2.
» You have the best health care in the world, low infant mortality rate, increasing longevity of the elderly, free speech, free press, the rule of law, free financial market and freedom, in general, which is seeping out around the planet, damn you.
» You are home to Martin Luther King, George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Billy Graham, Dorothy Parker, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Satchmo, Eric Clapton, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Walt Disney, Humphrey Bogart, Katherine Hepburn, Joe Louis, Babe Ruth, Muhammed Ali ... enough with the famous people already!
I could go on but I feel sick. We hate America for all this and more.
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org