Today could be devil of a day
YOU think Friday the 13ths are tough, today is supposed to be a devil of a day. Occultists, pentagram manufacturers and financial backers of the movie "The Omen" have been sitting on the edge of their sacrificial altars in anticipation of today: the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year, 6-6-06.
Putting aside the small fact that those who think this might be the ultimate day of evil conveniently leave out the "2" in the year "2006," today's date supposedly is the Mark of the Devil: 666. Pregnant women, worried that their baby might be born today -- as the devil child was in "The Omen" -- actually have had C-sections to get the little tyke out before today.
That might seem silly, but, trust me, this isn't a day to take lightly. You could actually be possessed and not know it. As a public service, here is a little test you can take to find out if you might need an exorcist:
» Have you recently engaged in a fiddle-playing contest with a red guy with horns and lost?
» Do you have a bulimic desire to ingest then expel pea soup?
» When you look over your shoulder, does your head go all the way around?
» Do you play your iPod upside down to see if you can hear satanic messages in the music?
» Has your dog been telling you to do anything other than "save the whales"?
» Have you used this phrase more than once today: "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
» Do you have an urge to draw a gigantic pentagram in ketchup on your kitchen floor?
» Do the children in your neighborhood suddenly look "tasty"?
» Have you stood in the lawn and garden aisle of City Mill yelling, "Hey, where are all the pitchforks?"
» Do you believe that demonic possession is nine-tenths of the law?
» Did it suddenly occur to you that Osama bin Laden isn't such a bad guy after all?
» Does sacrificing your pet hamster seem like a good idea?
» Do smoke alarms go off when you walk by?
» True or false: The devil is in the details.
» Do you worship the Olsen Twins?
If you answered "yes" to any of the questions, you might be possessed! Have a nice day!
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org