Digital Slob Curt Brandao

Save yourself TV - pay Slobs to watch ads

WE HERE at Digital Slob Inc. are proud to pretend to announce SureThingTV, a new service to help TV networks and cable monopolies keep the public's eyeballs glued to commercials.

As everyone knows, time-shifting digital video recorders are threatening to wipe out TV ads as we know it. The New York Times reports Royal Philips Electronics wrongheadedly thinks it has invented the answer -- a DVR that forbids ad-skipping. The idea is to require viewers to then pay an extra fee to regain total control of their fast-forward button.

But why tempt a few to buy back their freedom, when millions will practically give it away at bargain-basement prices? With STTV you can pay Digital Slobs to watch your ads -- for mere pennies a day. Here are some FAQs:

How will Big Media know STTV is in control? In the ad game, nothing breeds brand loyalty more than trust, but not just any trust. STTV offers undiluted trust, the kind of trust you can only get by securing it with electronic monitoring ankle bracelets, time- released doors that lock from the outside and nylon ropes.

Why pay Slobs to watch TV ads? Why did turn-of-the-century sweat shops reward child laborers with an occasional quarter? To curb the urge to run away. As standards of living rise, the definition of work blurs. Long ago, people read, and even spent time with their children, for nothing more than "fun" or "personal growth" as payment. Now, in the robust 21st century economy, data processors and au pairs are (almost) earning a living doing the exact same thing.

Can anyone who's seen "Fear Factor" deny that watching TV is now work? STTV CEO Curt Brandao predicts this "blur trend" will continue. By 2075, many will make $80,000 a year eating ice cream.

How much will it cost? STTV will offer a variety of plans to meet all your mind-controlling needs, including:

» Basic Plan ($5.99/month). For the cost of a Value Meal, each STTV Slob will use a fast-forwardless remote.

» Basic Plus ($9.99/month). Includes all Basic Plan features, plus a guarantee that Slobs will give their undivided attention to TV ads. Aside from two bathroom breaks per session, Slobs can only leave the couch for the rarest of emergencies, like the sudden death of a parent, sibling, aunt, uncle or grandparent, or if someone actually agrees to go out with them on a date.

» Premium Plan ($15.99/ month). Includes all above features, minus the exceptions (for $6 more per month, Slobs will disavow family, bathroom breaks and all intimate relationships). Note: All premium services require a one-time $199 bedpan installation fee.

» Premium Exclusive: ($39.99/month): This ad-filtering upgrade makes sure Slobs are aware of your product, and your product alone. "I love Pepsi, just love it," one of our Slobs said after an 18-month beta test. "Coca-Cola? Who's that? Was she that Brazilian samba singer who wore fruit on her head back in the '40s?"

» Premium Exclusive IE ($59.99/month): Just like Premium Exclusive, plus Slobs have to watch "Inside Edition."

We at Digital Slob Inc. urge corporate media to embrace STTV. For investors, it's the only Sure Thing.*

*Except, maybe, ice cream.