Time-tested beer puts tech in its place

BECAUSE tech gadgets are so good at managing e-mails, screening phone calls and ripping off the Recording Industry Association of America, it's easy to think they already rule the whole universe.

But there are some things that will never bow to programming -- true forces of nature like love, solar flares and beer.

Especially beer.

Everyone knows that this fermented invention has way too much seniority, and way more friends than enemies, to ever be under-appreciated or overrun by Digital Age obsolescence.

The first microchip wasn't manufactured until 1959. Beer was first brewed in the 5th millennium BC. If they could both retire, which one do you think would get the bigger office-party cake?

But that doesn't stop mere temperance-minded mortals, nor their contraptions, from trying to control the hops- flavored drink, inevitably to no avail. A few examples:

CNET.com reported last year that a DUI defense attorney in Florida made hay in court by demanding to know how the source code worked in digital breathalyzers. The manufacturer refused to reveal its trade secret for the sake of the prosecution.

The Associated Press reported last week that a crackdown on public drunkenness in Dallas (arresting drunk people in bars who had no plans to drive) has provided some fascist-style imagery for the Digital Age's 24-hour news cycle. This sobered up city tourism officials faster than a glass of tomato juice, some Tabasco sauce and a raw egg.

The AP also reported that a Missouri state senator introduced a bill in January that would ban the sale of cold liquor in grocery stores -- an effort to cut down on drunk driving. After all, anyone who's acquired a taste for beer knows that the "acquired" part fades fast at room temperature.

Hmm ... very clever. Too clever for a state official to think up, which is why the idea actually came from a brainstorming fifth-grader during a class assignment.

Not surprisingly, the bill has gotten a tepid response. But even if that kid cuts out the middleman and forms his own Election Exploratory Committee, beer preservationists at Tempratech.com are way ahead of him.

They've developed the I. C. Can, a container capable of cooling a brew 30 degrees in three minutes -- more than fast enough, especially if there's someone ahead of you in line paying with exact change (isn't there always?).

So, as I've clearly illustrated, when tech tries to stop beer, tech fails. However, when tech succumbs to beer's dominance, everyone wins.

Gizmodo.com lists many beer-friendly gadgets, and many promote responsible drinking. Last October, LG introduced a line of breathalyzer cell phones, and a breathalyzer pen is now also on the market -- in both cases, you breathe into them, and they tell you if you're sober enough to drive home from the bar.

But if you're the responsible one in your group, yet don't want a gadget that makes you look like a cutting-edge alcoholic, just do what I do -- ask your friends to blow into a regular Bic pen.

You won't get an exact reading, but if they agree to do it with enough enthusiasm, you'll still have all the data you need to call them a cab.

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at cbrandao@starbulletin.com. See also: www.digitalslob.com