Wish you were here (and not me)
NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: Horrible Weather to Continue; Hasn't Hurt Tourism Yet
Dear Mom and Dad,
Aloha from Hawaii! I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to come to the islands for spring break! I feel a little guilty leaving you back there on the mainland with the snowstorms and everything. Brrrrrr!
I've got a great hotel room overlooking Waikiki Beach! It looks fabulous! At least, the scenes of Waikiki Beach on the hotel TV's visitor channel look fabulous. It's been raining a little bit since I landed. I can't quite make out the beach from my patio through the rain. I'm told Diamond Head is just over there, at about 3 o'clock as the pigeon flies. Can't wait to see it!
My friends and I planned to go shopping later today, but the main drag through Waikiki has been closed off. Apparently a sewer line broke and is spewing you-know-what all over the place! Just like home! But the local news says they've got it under control and are pumping the untreated poo-poo into a lovely canal where we were going to go canoe paddling tomorrow. Guess that's off, hee-hee!
Our surfing lessons also have to wait. That canal apparently feeds into the ocean, and, well, the surf spots are all yucky-poo. But that's all right. I'm not sure I want to surf anyway.
Did I mention a girl surfer was attacked by a shark yesterday? She didn't get killed or anything. Just a bite on the leg. She looked pretty cheerful on the news. They are keeping her in the hospital to make sure she doesn't have rabies or something.
THE MOUNTAINS looked really green when we were flying in. Can't wait to see them up close. The hotel concierge said he will tell us as soon as Civil Defense thinks the landslides have stopped. In the meantime we might go hiking at a nearby mall.
The local people here consider this pretty bad weather. Hah! They don't know bad weather! Wait a sec. A reservoir just burst on Kauai and flooded a neighborhood, dragging several people into the sea. Well, that's pretty bad weather. They say more of these little dirt dams all over Kauai could burst at any minute, drowning everyone. Guess we'll mark that island off our itinerary!
I would rather go to the Big Island anyway. Can't wait to see a real volcano! Uh-oh. A news alert just said that Mauna Kea has been closed because of a huge snowstorm. Snow? In Hawaii? Is that allowed? I came here to get away from snow. Is it following me? This is weird.
Room service just knocked. Hey, they delivered some pineapples and several large bottles of liquor. Said it was a gift from the Hawaii Visitors Bureau. It's got a sympathy card attached! How funny!
Before he left, the room service guy pointed out a waterspout out in the ocean. Through the rain clouds I could see it. It's like a tornado, but it's not a real tornado because it's in the ocean. Pretty neat-looking, like a big swirling bowl of water 100 feet high. It's coming toward the shore. OK. It's a tornado now. There go the surfboard racks. Sheesh, we don't even have tornados at home!
I'm on my third mai tai now. I think it's a mai tai. I just mixed a little from every bottle they sent up and stuck a stalk of pineapple in it. I'm watching an old "Magnum P.I." on TV. Pretty neat! Wish I could have stayed at Magnum's house. Looks pretty sunny. Cheers, Thomas Magnum. Great paradise you got here. What, no sleet? Where's the hail? Oh, there it is. Out on the lanai. Perfect for my drink, tho'.
A seagull just flew into the sliding glass door. I think it committed suicide.
I know how he's feeling. I could have gone to Aruba. It might not be the safest place for young female travelers, but at least you can go outside. Haiti might have been nice.
Hold on. Good news! Weatherman says the tradewinds are returning and the rain will stop tomorrow. Hooray! The hurricane isn't expect to hit until Friday.
Love and kisses and aloha from Hawaii! Wish you were here. And not me. I'll never forgive you for ruining my spring break.
Your slightly inebriated daughter, Bethany
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org