Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

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Tornado sought out Hawaii trailer

THE RECENT weird stormy weather has taught us a few things, like trailers really do attract tornados, and affluent effluent practically takes a tour of the island before ending up at the Sand Island sewage treatment plant.

It's also taught us that when you walk by a TV set and CNN is doing a segment on Hawaii weather, things are not very jolly here.

Hawaii isn't supposed to have any trailers, or mobile homes, as they are called. The reason reportedly is that they would make the islands look trashy, but most of us assumed it was an anti-tornado measure. Everyone knows that tornados are attracted to mobile homes; we just don't know why. Maybe it's because trailers are just fun to pick up and toss through the air.

Trailers have been sneaking into Hawaii as portable offices, like the one on Lanai. It belonged to a company making breakwater repairs at Kaumalapau. Still, it was surprising that this trailer was hit by a tornado last week. I mean, how far did that tornado have to travel to knock over that one trailer? I picture it leaving Oklahoma and a fellow tornado asking, "Hey, where ya goin', pard?"

"Headin' to Hawaii. Heard there's a trailer over yonder."

That's a long way to come for one trailer, but apparently tornadoes are really into their jobs.

THEN there was the Waikiki sewer line break that forced raw sewage into Ala Wai Canal. The untreated waste then washed out into the ocean, closing a few famous surfing breaks like Ala Moana Bowls. When a surfer was asked how the surf was, he reportedly described it with a crude though familiar gastrointestinal term that can't be printed here. Suffice it to say that the break is now known as "Toilet Bowls."

But the most amazing thing we learned from the sewer line break is how far some waste travels for treatment. Some of the sewage spilling out into Waikiki came from ritzy places like Manoa and the pricey ridge developments beyond. I'm not sure how I thought such affluent effluent was getting to Sand Island, but I never imagined it traveling through Waikiki and some of the more scenic sections of Honolulu. That's quite a ride. Apparently the, er, bodily issue of residents of East Oahu commutes more than I do.

As for CNN, I don't want to see any more reports about Hawaii unless it's that we are shipping all of our mobile homes to Oklahoma. It's been a standing rule: Hawaii doesn't have tornadoes and Oklahoma doesn't have tidal waves.