Tylenol tips on sleeping are tiring
THE MAKERS of Tylenol PM and Simply Sleep sleeping pills are so concerned you aren't getting enough sleep they are willing to call and tell you to go to bed.
Isn't that sweet of them? Sort of like having some guy from Budweiser call and tell you to stop drinking. ("Hey, buddy, put down the glass. You've had enough. Tomorrow's another day. It's almost time to go to bed. Yeah, Tylenol PM is on the other line. Beddy-bye time.")
I hate it when big companies act like they care about us. Especially when they make millions of dollars off of us because we are unable to accomplish the most basic of life's necessities, such as putting ourselves to sleep.
I don't care what Tylenol PM says, it doesn't want you to sleep soundly. It wants you to toss and turn all night, get up grumpy, kick your dog and yell at your fellow workers. That way, your wife or husband can stage an intervention and force sleeping pills down your throat.
If everyone slept well, sleeping-pill makers would go out of business.
Nevertheless, I got this press release from Tylenol PM and another Tylenol product called Simply Sleep saying that "the latest data" shows that 75 percent of Americans don't get enough sleep. I don't know where they got their data, but I think 100 percent of Americans would say they don't get enough sleep. I've had some experience in the field of sleeping, and I think it's scientifically impossible to sleep too much. I sometimes wake up early just so I can take a nap before breakfast.
But Tylenol PM is worried about us. Starting next week -- which either the president of the United States or the makers of sleeping pills has designated "Sleep Week" -- you can call a certain number, leave the time when you would like to go to bed, and Tylenol will call and tell you to go to bed. I assume that a few computers and communication satellites are involved in all this technology to help you hit the sack in a timely fashion. Wouldn't it be easier just to scrawl on one of your walls with a crayon, "Moron, go to bed at 9:30!"
And if you can't get to sleep once you get your phone call, Tylenol offers some tips on how to sleep. Here they are:
1. Pour a cup full of red ants under your sheets.
2. Coat yourself with maple syrup.
3. Put Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" in your CD player and turn the volume as loud at it will go.
4. Put a strobe light in your bedside lamp (the kind used on the wings of airline jets).
5. Urge two feral cats to fight right outside your bedroom window.
There. Pleasant dreams.
Actually, those are my suggestions. And I was just kidding. I would never seriously suggest blasting "Ride of the Valkyries" late at night. Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" is a better choice.
The makers of Tylenol PM offer some lame tips, such as don't drink, don't smoke, eat right, get exercise, avoid stress and -- here's the shocker -- "try a nighttime sleep aid."
Yes, everyone should eat right, exercise and avoid stress. But they don't! That's why companies like Tylenol exist!
I've got a lot more nasty things to say about companies that tell us how to live and then sell us drugs. But I'm too tired. It's time for a nap before bedtime.
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org