Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

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Clothed cap shuns need to be ficksed

I was watching CNN news on one of the televisions perched above a row of torture devices disguised as exercise machines at my local gym when I noticed something weird. And it wasn't the lady on the treadmill next to me, although the fact that she was talking on a cell phone during her entire workout was pretty weird.

Because of the noise created by the various mechanical pain inducers, the only way to follow what's happening on the overhead television sets is to read the closed captioning. (It's kind of interesting that the closed captions are not only there for the hearing-impaired, but also for the fitness-impaired.)

While reading the captions, I learned that a man who fled to England after allegedly killing his wife and child in America is facing "extra decision." Extra decision? Did they mean, like, an extra decision on whether to return to the United States? Then I realized that what the announcer had said was the guy was facing "extradition," which made a lot more sense.

So I started paying more attention to what the closed captions read versus what was actually being said on TV, and realized that the hearing-impaired were experiencing a different TV world than the hearing.

Now, I have been known to make up a few things in this space from time to time, but I swear that everything reported now actually happened. It started with the stock market report on Fox where, according to the captions, "blew chips" were down. How appropriate. I'm sure if I owned blue chip stocks and they were down, that would blow.

Then on another news station was a report that first lady Laura Bush had a meeting with the pope or, according to the captioning, the "Holy Sea." I suspect the announcer had actually referred to the pope as the "Holy See," but captioning gave the comment added depth. Both the Holy See and the Holy Sea are deep subjects.

When I got home, I switched on ESPN where, according to the captions, announcers were discussing the "warm upstage" portion of the Tour de France. The warm-up stage apparently will be in England, which hopefully will be warm enough for the bikers.

Things also were warming up on the 700 Club, where, according to the captions, Pat Robertson was worried about greenhouse gases causing "global warm being." I had no time to ponder whether that "warm being" was God, because Pat was now complaining that loggers were being put out of work by the "potted owl." I knew that protection of the spotted owl in the Northwest was causing loggers fits, but didn't know that drunken owls were, also. I think PETA should immediately turn its attention to potted owls. We can't have them flying around the forest in that condition.

On the "Tyra Banks Show," a photographer was talking about bringing out "motion" in her subjects. If you can't bring out emotion, I guess motion will do.

On a daytime reality show, a woman at a cash register announced she had just "made two sails," but I could not see the nautical items to which the caption referred. Another woman hugged her friends and announced "you are my angles," which seemed sincere yet puzzling. I guess when it comes to friends and angels, you have to know all the angles.

On C-SPAN a retired Marine colonel claimed to be a "con duet to the troops," which would seem unfortunate. One con would be bad enough. He also said he wanted the troops "warring better body armor." If you are going to be warring, wearing better body armor is best.

I ventured over to a broadcast of a Honolulu City Council committee meeting, where various "stud eyes" were being discussed. A witness asked for a "curse sorry advisory opinion," according to the captions. I'm sure he would rather have had a cursory advisory opinion to the studies under discussion.

I don't know who or what computer program is in charge of typing out these closed captions, but my curse sorry advisory opinion is that the hearing-impaired (and victims of gymnasium torture machines) deserve better translations.