Valentine's Day gifts can be dangerous
VALENTINE'S Day is coming, so you better start thinking about a special gift for your little love muffin, like, say, some metal handcuffs ($9.95) or a leather "cat o' nine tails" whip ($15).
Those are a couple Valentine's specials on sale at a Web site featured in one of the many Valentine's Day press releases I receive daily.
"With this romantic holiday coming up, I thought you'd like to hear of a site excited to partner with your readers in helping them make the most of the special upcoming day," wrote the site's media representative.
The Internet site that is "excited" to partner with you, dear readers, is an adult sex-toy store. Nothing says Valentine's Day like a good whipping.
Some other suggested Valentine's items for sale here I can't even mention, even if I understood how to use them.
An e-mail from the American Society of Appraisers makes it clear that the only way to make Valentine's Day special is to give your partner a diamond. And a big honking one.
"Diamonds hold their value better over time than other gems," the helpful PR person points out, adding, "Diamonds over 1 carat will hold their value best."
THE 1-carat diamond might hold its value, but my bank account would be on life support.
If you think bullying men to buy expensive diamonds for Valentine's Day takes guts, check out this pitch:
"This Valentine's Day, instead of the traditional chocolates and roses, surprise your sweetie with an unexpected heartfelt gesture. Tupperware boasts a variety of products ..."
What the ...?! Tupperware for Valentine's Day? Unless that Tupperware bowl has a diamond of more than 1 carat inside it, foul play won't be far behind.
I suspected the Tupperware press release was issued by an organization of divorce lawyers until I actually got a Valentine's Day note from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers with "10 tips to help prevent a heartbroken marriage." I won't tell you the tips because you already know them. ("Be sensitive, listen to your spouse, blah, blah blah ...")
The press release concedes that the AAML is made up of 1,600 lawyers specializing in divorce, prenuptial agreements, annulments and property division. I suggest you don't even mention this organization to your partner on Valentine's Day unless you are armed with a leather whip and handcuffs or a diamond the size of a baseball.
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org