iTunes keeps marriages in harmony

NOT THAT Apple CEO Steve Jobs needs better press, but I'd like to thank him for saving my marriage.

No, he didn't bless our nuptials like a pastor, even though his Macworld keynotes can resemble mass weddings as he joins tech journalists with his "One more thing" in holy matrimony. But he deserves credit, anyway.

Let me explain.

Even for perfectly Respectable People, so-called "wedded bliss" can in truth be a back-and-forth tussle. For Digital Slobs, however, everyday games of emotional tag over who ate the last piece of pie, or who didn't change the toilet paper roll (that would be me, and me) can quickly deteriorate into a firing squad.

And like a bull cornered in a china shop, Slobs know our best/only option is to stand perfectly still -- but that's just a delay tactic, at best.

After all, who wants even a "well-behaved" uncastrated bovine in the same room with their Waterford Crystal? In what universe is that a tolerable situation?

So, once Slobs are prodded to misstep, disaster follows. And the pre-slippery slope land mine could be anywhere.

For example, forgetting to take a blouse out of the washing machine one night can, 15 minutes later, lead to a Slob being forced to stare into space on a park bench all night wearing a weapons-grade scowl that gets tucked away only briefly so as not to frighten early morning joggers.

But if we must live in a high-tech, high-stress Digital Age that too often sends us home on a hair trigger, it's nice to have software like iTunes to smooth out a few split ends.

You see, pilot error on my TiVo's navigation system last week caused my DVR to save "The Simpsons," instead of my wife's favorite program, "Desperate Housewives." For those keeping score at home, "Desperate Housewives" is good, "The Simpsons" is bad, and I'm the "pilot."

Within seconds, we both sensed there was a park bench waiting for me with my name on it (literally -- I found myself out there with a penknife one time).

But between flashes of fecklessness and white-hot panic, I remembered reading something about Apple making a deal to offer ABC shows through its online iTunes store for $1.99 an episode.

Sadly, I still don't have a video iPod. I want a black one and she wants a white one, so we're at stalemate -- it's a pain, yes, but as a general rule I consider this dynamic nature's way of keeping us out of debtor's prison.

Yet miraculously, we were still able to watch the iPod version of "Desperate Housewives" Season 2, Episode 12.

Turns out, you don't need a flyswatter to kill a fly, you don't need a sponge to make a sponge cake, and you don't need a video iPod to watch an iPod video. A computer screen works just fine as well.

Of course, geeks will point out all the gadgets that allow you to transfer iPod videos to anything from a plasma TV to a bank's ATM screen during the eight seconds your waiting for it to spit out $20.

But regardless, last Monday the new iTunes 6.0 not only made me feel like MacGyver with my current setup, it also kept me on the warmer side of my front door.

So, thanks Steve. Now, if you can just make iTunes 7.0 coordinate my washer with my dryer, I'm certain we'll be able to live happily ever after.

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at cbrandao@starbulletin.com. See also: www.digitalslob.com