Finally, a true Democrat for governor!
LEAVE IT to Congressman Ed Case to steal my thunder by announcing his plan to challenge Daniel Akaka for his U.S. Senate seat. I was all ready to drop a political bombshell this week, and now all the political weasels are crazy over Case.
Nevertheless, I am pleased to announce right here today that I am offering myself as the Democratic candidate for governor of Hawaii.
I do this because no Democrats have had the guts to step forward and take on Republican Gov. Linda Lingle. Before my opponents have a chance to attack me, I'll concede right away that I am not the typical Democratic candidate. For one thing, I'm not a Democrat. But that shouldn't be a problem. Bev Harbin wasn't a Democrat, but became one pronto when Lingle named her to fill an empty legislative position. The fact that Harbin was a criminal didn't come up until after she had claimed her legislative seat and clung to it like an opihi in a tsunami.
So, I'm not a Democrat, but I'm not a Republican, either. I'm a Humor Columnist, which I believe is its own political party. And I figure if the Democratic Party of Hawaii is willing to make an entertainer like Brickwood Galuteria its party chairman, it might be ready to embrace a humor columnist as its gubernatorial candidate. (If it helps, I'll even change my name to something like "Hardwood," "Bricksteel" or "Drywall" Memminger.)
THE THING IS, if I'm going to be a Democratic governor of Hawaii, I'm going to be a REAL "progressive" Democrat, from the old school, where people were proud to call each other comrade and nobody was too high and mighty not to put time in the collective turnip patch. A vote for me will be a vote for the values many Democrats in Hawaii have been dreaming of for generations.
Here, then, is a sample of my political platform should I be lucky enough to be named Hawaii's Democratic standard bearer:
» Read my lips: No New Tax Cuts. Under my watch, no taxes will be cut, especially for the rich. In fact, I will raise taxes on those rich swine and give that money to the poor. I will keep giving money to the poor until they become rich, and then I'll take money away from them, too.
» A house for every homeless. For every new house built in Hawaii, the owner will be required to build an additional house for a homeless person. Developers who want to put up a high-rise will have to put up an identical high-rise for the destitute. If the destitute can't afford rent in that high-rise, the developer will pay it. And if there are not enough destitute to fill the high-rise, we will bring in destitutes from other states to fill the void. I vow to make Hawaii the Homeless Capital of the World, except they'll all have homes.
» Ownership of all private vehicles will be taken over by the state. That way, I'll be able to regulate the number of cars on the roadways and get rid of traffic problems and stop pollution. State cars will be divvied out depending on need. Anyone making more than $15 per hour will be required to ride the bus.
» Volunteer Community Projects. Every citizen will be required to volunteer to work at least 10 hours a week on state-sponsored projects: gardening, cleaning parks, paving roads, picking turnips, etc. This is a small state, and we all need to work together to make it a true workers' paradise.
» Everyone but the homeless will be required to join a union. Various unions will be joined under larger unions and those unions gathered under one big Super Union of Everybody in Hawaii. A portion of union dues will be collected to fund the political campaigns of candidates deemed worthy by the State Department of Worthy Political Candidates, chaired by a completely neutral, nonpartisan Democratic Party apparatchick appointed by the governor. (The union donations will be completely voluntary. However, if someone refuses to volunteer, something bad will happen to them.)
I think this compassionate, environmentally enlightened and politically progressive platform will propel me into the governor's office and invigorate a state Democratic party that has been slipping shamelessly to the right for years. I would be honored to be your candidate, comrades.
, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail email@example.com