Biggest threat to N. Korea -- Myspace
Most Digital Slobs avoid the cutting edge -- let the geeks pound the kinks out of whatever juicy new tech entree is on the menu, and just call us when our table is ready.
Thus, I recently got a Myspace.com page, bravely taking the leap only after 50 million other people had tested the ground before me.
Myspace is the Studio 54 of online social networking, minus the doorman who kept the ugly people out.
You can bump into anyone, from Jon Lovitz to Dave Attell to 14,567,311 girls who look just like Jessica Simpson.
Even North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il has a page, though I doubt it's really him, because he has 126 "friends," which we all know is about 125 too many.
Still, I suppose it's theoretically possible that a guy I bumped into there is actually who he says he is, a three-star general in North Korea. He allowed me to ask him questions, but they had to be in the style of shallow "surveys" that litter the Myspace landscape, so as not to trigger any government eavesdropping. I'll let you be the judge:
Question: If you could be any kind of tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Answer: The kind of tree that can crush the United States.
Q: Do you snore?
A: I did. But then I sent my wife to a special camp provided by our Great Leader. When she came back she said I was cured.
Q: What are you allergic to?
A: Poisoned food.
Q: Which character on "Friends" would you be?
A: Probably Gunther, the pale coffee-shop worker who pined for Rachel. But I bet if Rachel knew Gunther was enriching uranium, she would've paid more attention to him.
Q: When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in and start the water?
A: Start the water, check the DMZ for a surprise attack from South Korea, get in, lather, get out and check the DMZ again, get back in, rinse, repeat.
Q: What are your plans for the weekend?
A: Find some vegetables.
Q: Do you have more friends or enemies?
A: Let's just say some tape my conversations and laugh, others take notes.
Q: Have you ever sent an anonymous letter? How many?
A: Lessee, how many stars on my lapel? One, two, three -- three letters.
Q: Are you smarter than your friends?
A: You mean book smart or not-currently-in-a-gulag smart?
Q: Have you ever killed someone in a dream?
A: Ruthless, murderous henchmen don't dream.
Q: Have you ever had sex in a dream?
Q: Do you have a nickname?
A: The Liquidator and/or Pee-Wee.
Q: What scares you?
A: Assassination attempts and intimacy.
Q: Name two truths.
A: The People's Army is not afraid to use the ultimate weapon and fight the lazy, bloated neo-Nazi Americans and their functionally retarded president to the death. And except for Fantasia, the best singer has never won "American Idol."
Q: What two things do you want in an ideal mate?
A: Honesty and a Costco membership.
Q: Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?
A: Whichever one could best crush the United States. Kevin -- no, wait, Brian.