12 things Slobs learned in 11 months
BEFORE we take the file folder labeled "2005" off our desktop and bury it deep within a server archive, let's review the top things Digital Slobs learned about the world around us each month:
January: We learned that trying to get out of a cell-phone contract without paying an early termination fee is like trying to get out of a marriage to Liza Minelli without getting hit in the head.
February: We learned from babynamewizard.com that if you want to spare your name from the trash bin of history (Adolf, Napoleon), then don't invade Russia in the winter.
March: We learned how easy it is to hack into Paris Hilton's Sidekick. Just use her 200-word vocabulary to guess her password through trial and error, cross-referenced with the top four most ways the young heiress would likely misspell each word.
April: We learned that the wireless revolution comes with strings attached. As every lead in every local production of "Peter Pan" will tell you, sometimes there's nothing more comforting than a good, sturdy wire. Beware a world where the only thing left to jiggle is the feeble delusion that you still have some control over your own environment.
May: We learned that high-tech toys (like GoDogGo, an automatic ball tosser) will not only amuse your dog by proxy, but will also knock you down a few pegs on Rover's list of things to rescue in the event of a house fire.
June: We learned about the computer-assisted Adidas-1 running shoe, with microprocessors in the heels that make 5 million cushion adjustments per second. Slobs would prefer the CPU power be used for a GPS system that knows when to call us a cab.
July: We learned that the Supreme Court thinks file-sharing services can be liable for illegal music and movie piracy. In the entertainment industry's global copyright-infringement game of Clue, the guilty party is not only Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a candlestick, but also the kitchen and also the candlestick.
We also learned a new word, "podcasting." Turns out it doesn't refer to downloading MP3s while fly-fishing, though, in my defense, there is a fly-fishing podcast that's now quite popular at podcastalley.com.
August: We didn't learn anything in August. Who can concentrate in this heat?
September: We learned gas was getting as expensive as a medium-sized soda at the cineplex. True, a gallon of gas has more volume than a 32-ounce soda, but for 25 cents more you can upsize it to a large and get free refills -- try doing that with premium unleaded.
October: We learned that soon computers will not be content to just beat us at chess, but will want to giggle about it with each other behind our backs.
November: We learned that the two reasons I can't lose weight rest within one city block of my 24-hour fitness center -- a Jack in the Box and a Haagen Dazs ice cream shop. I understand next year they plan to surround my gym with a moat filled with pudding.
December: We learned about the tech-gift Prime Directive -- don't give loved ones gadgets so advanced they disrupt their normal social development. My mom has no use for a video iPod, so I kept the one I got her for myself. Yes, I love her that much.
Now, create a new folder named "2006" and fill it with a Happy New Year.