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‘No rules’ fighting
in choke hold

The fastest-growing and most exciting sport in Hawaii is "no rules" fighting, but what "no rules" fighting really needs to become a legitimate sport is, well, rules.

Not so many rules that "no rules" fighting will become "rules fighting," but enough rules so that fans of extreme sports will flock to see two people bound by "no rules" try to rip each other's heads off in a safe, personally uplifting way.

The state took the first step in assuring that "no rules" fighting, also called "mixed martial arts" fighting, remains the exhilarating radical sport it is by making unauthorized "no rules" fighting illegal. As rules go, that's a biggie, considering the point of "no rules" fighting was to get away from the now ho-hum, choreographed tedium of professional boxing. The professional boxing ring today has become more of a ballroom than brawl room.

"No rules" fighting began literally as a no-holds-barred violence-fest in which everything considered illegal in boxing was considered a necessity in extreme fighting. But pretty soon, even the extreme fighters began to regulate themselves because once you've had your eye gouged out and tossed across the auditorium and your private parts smashed into a poi-like consistency, the thrill of "no rules" fighting tends to wane.

Those were the first big rules for "no rules" fighting: no digging eyeballs out of the head and no separating private parts from the rest of the body. Choking your opponent to death was frowned upon but not specifically prohibited.

Now that "no rules" fighting is a completely legal form of assault and battery in Hawaii, more rules will be established to keep the sport as exciting as possible. Here are a few rules under consideration.

» Combatants must be of the same species unless sanctioned by the No Rules Fighting/Cockfighting Association Interspecies Combat Federation. In that case, each human fighter will be allowed to have a fighting rooster "partner" with which to thrash his opponent.

» Biting, gouging, tickling, nuzzling and using coarse language is forbidden by fighters, except in the locker room.

» Motorcycle helmets will be worn at all times, both on the head and over private parts.

» Fluffy pillows can be used in combat only after the referee has assured that they meet the minimum standard of fluffiness mandated by the Extreme Fighting Weapons Subcommittee on Pillows, Cotton Balls and Nerf Bats.

» "Slapping like a girl" is banned, except in locker rooms among consenting adults.

» The referee will halt a fight when one of the combatants begins to cry or complains, "I broke a nail."

» Any clinch between fighters that lasts longer than five minutes will be reported to the Vice Squad Public Indecency Detail.

It is thought that with these few proposed rules, "no rules" fighting will continue to be the thrilling, dangerous sport it has become.