All along the border

Fatima bin Laden was sorting out her conflicted feelings -- she believed God was love, but was on a mission of death and revenge -- when she heard a knock on the cottage door and hurried to answer, hoping help from her uncle had just arrived.

It was even better -- the cable guy to set up her Internet.

After he left, Fatima's first e-mail went to Lt. Basel Zakly Faris, USMC: "Hello, Baz, good news! I'm up and running at last! As if you couldn't tell ... Please mail me back to see if it's actually working ... See you in class tomorrow ... Go with God --- F."

The second was to a secret address she'd repeated in her mind daily since leaving Pakistan. Her e-mail triggered a series of e-mails as her message was forwarded halfway around the world, where it was received as an encrypted phone call by her uncle, a guest at the palace of the grand mullah of Mashhad, Iran.

"Praise Allah, my niece is now communicating by e-mail," he reported.

"Our five brave agents of the Khomeini Sharia Unification Movement for Preaching and Combat will contact her today. Soon we shall see results."

Fatima's uncle received another encrypted call, then smiled as he listened. Ending the call, he turned to the mullah. "More good news, from El Paso. The so-called 'coyote' we employ is having great success in bringing jihadists across the border into America. Five more arrived today."

"That makes how many through Mexico?"

"More than 200. Canada, even more."

"May I say again how much I admire President Bush's staunch defense of American borders? Perhaps Allah will spare him from hell for helping to speed the inevitability of the USA's becoming a Muslim nation where only the language of Allah, our holy Arabic, is spoken."

"Ironic, yes? As Bush allegedly 'democratizes' the Middle East, we quietly overwhelm America while they're not looking."

"While -- and where -- they're not looking!" The two men shared a laugh. "I must say, you are looking better, Prophet Osama. I trust you are also feeling better from the regular dialysis?"

"Indeed, and praise Allah. But whenever my life ends, I die happy, knowing we have begun the war that will make the whole world Muslim. You are correct, my friend, it is inevitable. And that, even with many battles yet to win, gives me the greatest satisfaction. Allah the One God wills it."

Back in Kaneohe, Fatima was firing off an e-mail to her friend Jenn, confirming that she'd be picking up Fatima before their astronomy class. She'd just clicked the "Send" icon when she heard another knock on the door.

The Khomeini Sharia Unification Movement for Preaching and Combat was riding to the rescue. Jihad in Honolulu was about to get serious.