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Smacking computers
is a big hit

When a virus took over my personal computer recently, reducing its processing to a crawl, I have to admit I would have liked to perform a delicate tune-up with a double-barreled shotgun. Luckily, no shotgun was to be had, and the computer processor itself is too large to throttle like a chicken, so I just had to call up a computer technician/ exorcist to come stand in front of the machine and yell, "BE GONE FOUL DEMONS!" at it for an hour or so.

I felt guilty about wanting to assassinate the computer, but it turns out that's a common reaction computer owners have against their misbehaving machines. According to MSNBC.com, a large data-recovery company just completed a survey that shows that 10 percent of computer owners have committed acts of violence against their computers out of frustration.

Considering the many and varied ways a computer has to make you crazy, that number seems surprising low. The violent acts were not described, except in the case of one restaurant manager who was so angry at his laptop that he tossed the offending appliance into the deep fryer, ruining both. (He could then honestly tell the technician, "Dude, my motherboard is, like, fried.")

I witnessed a similar act years ago when the Star-Bulletin was using a brand of computer just a few technical steps above paper and pencil. A staff member (who shall remain nameless) poured glue on a recalcitrant keyboard, set it on fire and carried it through the newsroom, up the stairs and threw it off the roof of the building.

I TRY TO limit my attacks on hardware to verbal epithets, but screaming at an inanimate object, no matter how much inspired profanity you employ, just doesn't provide the satisfaction that deep-frying the evil entity would.

The Ontrack Data Recovery survey found that 13 percent of computer owners yell at their machines when they crash (the computers, not the owners). And another 13 percent try to sweet-talk their computers back to their duty. I find that approach not only pointless, but repulsive in a vaguely sexual way.

Ontrack officials point out that whatever momentary personal relief you might get by abusing your computer after it freezes or crashes, such responses actually make whatever the problem worse (i.e., deep-frying a computer doesn't make it work better).

"It's hard when people lose data," said Ontrack's Todd Johnson. "People do begin to panic. ... There's a tremendous amount of rage out there."

He thinks the rage results from the fact that we are living in a very technical world, using machines complex beyond our understanding.

Hah. Rage results because no matter how much computers improve, no matter how much more memory they have and how much faster they are, they never work RIGHT. I hate to beat a dead horse or CPU, but that's what drives us crazy.

I'm using a computer larger than the one that landed men on the moon, and the blasted thing can still get tripped up by a few lines of code that sneak into the machine over an Internet connection. I figure the latest virus that shut down my computer had to scale about three firewalls, dodge two security programs and crawl under several anti-virus utilities simply to make my life miserable. Someone more suspicious than I might allege that the anti-virus software companies themselves are sending out these diabolical techno-worms just to drum up business.

In any case, the experts counsel that when your computer freezes or crashes, don't attack it. Johnson says to push the mouse aside and step away from the computer. Take several deep breaths and call someone who can help you.

I might add, while you are waiting for the technician/exorcist to show up, give the offending computer a few therapeutic kicks to its midsection.