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My Kind of Town
Don Chapman

Friday, January 21, 2005





The perfect ending

» The Tube/Kona Coast

After three days of non-stop love-making, everyone in The Tube was exhausted. And grinning from ear to ear. Including Tokelani Green of the Pono Commission, aka Tokelani, goddess of whoopee, who'd made it all happen. It was traditional for the goddess on her visit every 100 years to couple with the high priest of the La'a line.

And so that first night Prince To'o the seer mounted her altar and joined her on the thick, comfy pandanus mat, and lingered there with her for three days. She'd never before thought of making love as a way to honor the gods, but as To'o pointed out one sweaty afternoon, "Why do you think people exclaim 'Oh God, oh God, oh God!" in the throes of physical rapture? And what greater gift to the gods is there but the creation of a new life -- or just practicing procreation?"

So it was that Tokelani became pregnant, and bore twins, a prince and a princess. They had the biggest eyes you ever saw. (Out of courtesy, and because she didn't want a big search for her causing the discovery of the Kipuka entrance to The Tube, she called in and resigned from the Pono Commission.) Tokelani would spend her days journeying through The Tube, bringing whoopee to all Tubers. There were days when she missed things Topside -- Starbucks, sunsets -- but she'd found a man who treated like a goddess, and she responded as one. Life as a goddess suited her.

A child was also the result of that honeymoon weekend for Princess Tuberosa La'a and the Oahu chief Kaneloa, a pairing of the sacred, matrilineal line and the last of the Kamehamehas. They led a happy life filled with children, and when King Kavawai and Queen Tuberosa 'Ekahi passed away, they lived long and ruled well. King Kaneloa succeeded To'o as high priest and seer, and walked all his life with the gods.

Topside, meanwhile, Randy Mapau'u quit his job with Portagee Protective. He and Pua Makua, Ph.D., were married in a ceremony on his black sand beach, and with her help they established a seaside village where only the old Hawaiian ways were practiced and studied, which -- to Randy's astonishment -- people paid uku bucks to experience! Pua and her students from UH also explored the upper reaches of Randy's ahupua'a and discovered several plants and tree snails previously thought extinct, and set up a program to propagate them.

And the secret of the Tubers remained underground, where the ancient Hawaiian ways thrived, and the bones of Kamehameha the Great were venerated as they have been since that moonless November night in 1819.

Oh, and finally: Out in the Alenuihaha Channel, as Keko'ona, the Molokai chief come to life as a 300-foot eel, swam back toward his traditional puka for a long sleep, Barge Huntley, international artifact hunter, was turned into eel poop.


See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Don Chapman is editor of MidWeek. His serialized novel runs daily in the Star-Bulletin. He can be e-mailed at dchapman@midweek.com



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