Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Networks desperate
for same shows

Television networks have never met an idea they wouldn't steal. That's why there are 497 "reality shows" being aired daily, with another 497 waiting in the wings.

ABC courageously went against the concept of "Must Thieve TV" and offered up the surprisingly original and tremendously titillating "Desperate Housewives," a show that brings to life many a young man's fantasies featuring TV moms like June Cleaver, Carol Brady, Shirley Partridge, Morticia Addams and, yes, even Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble. (We always suspected that Beaver's mom was decked out in pearls and high heels in the middle of the day for a reason. We just never suspected she was having a fling with the yard boy, as happens in "Desperate Housewives" episode one.)

Unfortunately, since "Desperate Housewives" has become a hit, thievery can't be far behind. Here are some of the "Desperate Housewives" rip-offs I hear are in the works:

» "Desperate Midwives": When the bun's out of the oven and mom's recovering from 34 hours in labor, our desperate midwives pitch in to entertain Dad, Uncle Johnny and the yard boy. When not birthin' babies, these desperate midwives know how to rock!

» "Desperate Fishwives": In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty, we first set eyes on Sweet Molly Malone and her fellow fishwives as they hawk cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh! That's during the day. At night, they go from frumpy fishmongers to fiery flesh peddlers as they prowl the waterfront having their way with young sailors and yard boys.

» "Desperate Old Wives (And the Tales They Tell!)": These randy old sporting gals are desperate not only for a bit of fun, but to impart on the neighborhood husbands and yard boys useful information like, "If your right hand itches, you will receive money," "if your nose itches it means company is coming" and "if you cross your eyes, they will stay that way."

» "Desperate House Flies": A Discovery Channel comedy/drama about a group of female houseflies who simply have to rub their legs together while perched on a pile of potato peelings to attract droves of the opposite sex. But lovelorn teen babe Musca Domestica pines for the hunky yard fly just on the other side of the screen.

Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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