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My Kind of Town
Don Chapman

Thursday, January 13, 2005





O Lord, enough weird

» The Tube/Kona Coast

When Kaneloa came to, it was dark. But, being a Tuber, he could see in the dark. And he'd gotten lucky. He was still in the great mo'o's mouth. His spear had fallen across the entrance to its gullet, and Kaneloa ended up draped across the spear, thus keeping him from getting sucked down to die.

Feeling a tickle in its throat, Keko'ona, a Molokai chief come to life as a 300-foot eel, coughed, propelling Kaneloa forward, and as the eel opened its mouth Kaneloa could see that they were near the surface. He made a move for the open mouth, but the teeth chomped shut, a sharp tooth the size of two men just missing him.

Outside he heard the voice of a Topsider, "Lord, couldn't this just get a little goofier?"

It was Barge Huntley, international artifact collector, watching from the yellow kayak anchored nearby. He'd just seen the giant eel come away from the cave with a white human foot dangling from its mouth, and muffled screams.

Sometimes you have to watch what you pray for.

"Oh, Lord Lord Lord, on second thought, I take that back ... Jesus, would you look at that!"

Astride the eel now was a very large, very beautiful, very brown, very naked woman, riding it like a little pony.

"Enough goofy," Barge said. "Please"

He was scrambling to hoist the aluminum anchor when the mammoth beauty kneed the eel, urged it toward him.

"Dang it, Keko'ona," said Ola, goddess of life, "I told you I'd get you breakfast, but not the one you got in there! Now open up and spit him out like a good mo'o."

The hungry eel shook it's head, rattling Kaneloa around the inside of its mouth. As he rolled, his spear pierced the eel's gums. Next thing you know -- patooie! -- he was getting launched like a big loogie.

Which is exactly what the large white blob looked like to Barge as it hurtled through the air.

"Good mo'o," Ola cooed. "Now, the one you want is over there."

Barge saw the woman pointing at him, saw the eel's eyes focus on him, and started paddling as hard as he could.

Back at The Tube entrance, Royal Runners had just arrived to summon Kaneloa back to the Royal Rotunda to begin making plans for his marriage to the princess.

Instead, they left with the grim news that the young chief had again bravely leaped into the King's Cave with a spear, but this time the sea monster knocked down part of the cave entrance and sucked Kaneloa right out. "Last they saw of him," the Runners reported, "one foot was dangling out of the beast's mouth."

"Noooooo!" the princess wailed as she fainted.


See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Don Chapman is editor of MidWeek. His serialized novel runs daily in the Star-Bulletin. He can be e-mailed at dchapman@midweek.com



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