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FL MORRIS / FMORRIS@STARBULLETIN.COM Loren Yamamoto, second from right, walks the fine line between parental supervision and giving his teenagers--Brennan, left, Julienne and Joelle-- independence and enough freedom to learn from their mistakes. They are in their front yard, a tennis court, in Salt Lake. The kids are competitive tennis players.

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Parents must adapt to new
challenges and keep every
line of communication open

For every parent whose child makes a smooth transition to adulthood, there's one who's certain his child is the living incarnation of Frankenstein's monster. Peer pressure, raging hormones and a teenager's struggle for independence can be the source of agony all around.

Both parties are involved in the change, each with their own understanding of societal pressures, and it's easy for communications to go awry.

Loren Yamamoto understands firsthand the challenges of communicating with teens. He has three of his own, two daughters -- 17-year-old Julienne and 14-year-old Joelle -- and Brennan, his 13-year-old son.

"They need to gain independence and it can't happen overnight," said Yamamoto, an emergency room physician at Kapiolani Medical Center for Women & Children and author of "Tidbits on Raising Children."

He wrote the book without a profit motive -- the text is available free online -- but simply to share information with parents who run into difficulties when dealing with their teenagers. Many parents simply don't understand the necessary stages of development, Loren said, and that adds fire to conflicts.

Adolescence is a transitional period between dependency and adulthood, when youths are testing their boundaries and exploring who they are as individuals. But parents are inclined to protect their children for as long as possible, even though doing so could stunt their development.

The key is to an easy transition is to start transferring freedom and responsibility in early childhood. Over time, a child won't require parental supervision to make good choices. When parents move from a firm command to liberation abruptly, the results can be disastrous, Loren said.

COURTESY YAMAMOTO FAMILY Mom Patricia Yamamoto, left and dad Loren, right, have their hands full raising three teens Julienne, 17, center; Joelle, 14, holding their pet dog Alley; and Bennan, 13.

And rather than making seemingly arbitrary rules for the simple reason that you "are the parent" and it is "your house," Yamamoto said, "It's a bad idea to try to tell them what to do."

It is best to set a good foundation of model behavior by setting an example yourself, he said. "You really need to set good examples for kids. If you do things right when they are little, they should know what is right and wrong.

"If you're getting drunk or using drugs, they will follow your example. Most curious kids have explored every inch of the house. They will find your hiding places. Expect your kids to be just like you," he said.

"Give them the facts and let them make their own decisions." As an example, Yamamoto said you can tell your child, "Don't smoke," or "Smoking is bad for your health, and it is expensive."

"In the first method, the teen must obey mom. In the second method, teens are given the facts and they make their own choices," he said. It's far better to allow them to use logic to make their own decision than make the decision for them.

Unfortunately, most parents take on authoritarian roles to address a teenager's new rebellious behaviors, said Yamamoto. Instead of trying to understand the changes, parents become more controlling.

The style of parent-teen interactions and methods of discipline must change during adolescence to maintain effective parenting.

"It is not unusual for adolescents to do the exact opposite of what their parents ask or expect of them," Yamamoto said. Sons and daughters come up with new hairstyles and dress to flaunt their developing bodies. The music they listen to and language are different. It can seem like an evil spirit has taken possession of your child's body.

In addition, immaturity and youthful bravado cause teens to feel as if they are invincible, "that nothing bad is going to happen to them," said Yamamoto, adding that role-playing is a good way to teach teens about consequences.

Some decisions can jeopardize your future, particularly ones that lead to addictions or jail stints. When teenagers decide to race on the streets, they risk hurting themselves and others.

"It pays not to be careless and reckless," Yamamoto said. "We must teach our children about consequences to help them make better decisions in life."

Sex is another topic parents need to address. Yamamoto said half of all teens have intercourse by age 16 or 17, so telling them to abstain is not good enough. They need to understand the consequences involved, including pregnancy or contracting disease.

Schools and peers are often the source of sex education, but they might not effectively relay necessary information. Television poses another false sense of reality, Yamamoto said. "Its purpose is to entertain, not to teach us about life. Real life doesn't reflect what we see on TV or in the movies."

Making communication difficult is the fact that both parents and kids are a lot busier these days. "We tend to not eat dinner together," Yamamoto said, which makes it difficult to have daily conversations that keep parents in touch with their children's' activities.

When everyone is together, Yamamoto suggests turning off the television and talking. He also suggests making appointments with your teens to see how they are doing. These should take a conversational tone and should not turn into lectures. Discussing sensitive topics calmly with teens makes them more comfortable about bringing up issues and problems.

And beware the child with a lot of idle time and lack of activities and places to go. Without direction, kids can end up in "places like the graveyard, back alleys or pool halls," said Yamamoto, who suggests opening your home to your teen's friends. "Give them a place to hang out -- a safe space."