Sacred chant

Kaneloa walked alone now -- his friend Puka choosing to remain at the Tuber resort at Bellows after meeting a hot wahine -- and, dang, it was strange. The Tubers, like their Hawaiian forebears, were very sociable people. Almost no endeavor was begun alone. And here Kaneloa was entering The Tube that runs beneath the Kaiwi Channel alone.

And yet he wasn't alone. For more than the chance to contend for the right to marry Princess Tuberosa La'a, Kaneloa was drawn by a calling that he knew came from the bones of Kamehameha the Great.

But why would the Great King call to him, low chief of the excrement haulers? What need could he possibly have? What service could Kaneloa possibly perform -- people reduced to a bag of bones seldom requiring the removal of excrement. Kaneloa didn't have any idea, but he walked on.

And as he walked, he heard other voices. They seemed to echo through The Tube, music seeping from the rock itself, and rang in his heart. It was the sacred chant that told of the special relationship between Tubers and Hawaii's greatest king (this is a rough translation from Tuberese):

Listen, o Tubers (this is not for Topsiders, eh)
and hear of the day the young chief,
the one who moved the Naha Stone,
the one blessed by the Gods,
the one who served the Gods and his people,
the one Pele has a big-time crush on still yet,
went fishing with his spear.

Diving, diving, deeper, deeper,
holding his breath like one humpback whale,
he swam into a sea cave and came up in The Tube,
and saw three officers of the Tuber Border Patrol.

"Holy s---!!!" everyone said.

Then they introduced themselves.

"You are real," the young chief said. "I've heard stories, but ... "

"So are you," the Border Patrolmen said. "We've heard stories, but ... "

"Take me to your leader," he said, handing them his spear.

Thus Kamehameha and King Aha!, king of the Tubers, exchanged ha.

Later the king's daughter, Princess Lani La'a, walked Kamehameha back and along the way they exchanged spit and various other royal fluids.

Nine months later twins were born, Prince Kaneloa and Princess Pukalani La'a.

Sadly, the son of Kaneloa died mysteriously, ending that line.

Joyfully, the royal line continues until today in Princess Tuberosa La'a.

When Kamehameha died, two chiefs brought his bones to The Tube,
where people of The Tube venerate them daily,
and have been known to snuff Topsiders who come poking around.

(Thus endeth the chant.)