Alo-Ha! Friday

Charles Memminger

Friday, November 5, 2004

Yard signs, calls
trashed up election

This year's election will best be remembered for its unprecedented high annoyance factor. Campaign signs stuck into yards used to be kind of charming. This year, they were eyeball litter overkill. I suspected some homeowners were renting out their property by the inch to candidates.

You weren't even safe at home from the intrusion of unwanted political pestering. I had to quit answering my phone because of all the fake sincere pre-recorded pitches by everyone from Rudy Giuliani to Dan Inouye. How politicians managed to exempt themselves from the national "don't call" list is something that should be investigated by a Congressional committee. Yeah. That's going to happen. The only way it will stop if we all make a pledge not to vote for any candidate who tries to reach out and touch us with annoying phone messages.

Now the news ...

Man crossed the lion

TAIPEI (AP) » A Taiwanese man survived with only minor bite wounds after jumping into a zoo's lion exhibit and trying to convert the lions to Christianity.

Chen Chung-ho shouted "Jesus will save you" and "Come bite me" to two African lions in the Taipei City Zoo. They took him up on it, biting him several times.

The man was rescued after the lions were shot with tranquilizer guns.

(Interviewed later, one lion said, "You know, grandpa used to talk about Christians being thrown to the lions but I just never thought it would happen to me. They are quite tasty, Christians.)

Tomb rubbers routed

PARIS (BBC) » A famous tomb has been fenced off to keep lewd acts from being performed on the reclining statue of Victor Noir, a 19th century journalist considered a romantic figure.

Officials, concerned about damage to the icon's groin area, also posted signs prohibiting indecent rubbing.

(Several Paris pigeons applauded the move, saying it was unseemly for a statue to be defiled in such a gross manner. They then pooped on Victor's face.)

The real thing for pests

CHHATTISGARH, India (BBC) » Farmers are using Pepsi and Coca-Cola instead of pesticides to control pests because it is cheaper.

The farmers claim ants are attracted to the sugar in the soda and attack other insects that eat the rice plants.

The soda makers say the claim that pop can be used as a pesticide has no scientific backing.

(Nevertheless, Coke marketers say that 50 million ants prefer Coca-Cola over Pepsi.)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

Psychics looked to the stars, crystal balls and tarot cards and boldly predicted John Kerry would be elected president. How could so many seers have such bad eyesight?

Quote Me On This (Election Division):
"Politics is the art of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"The voters have spoken. The bastards." -- Richard Nixon

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com



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