10 reasons why you
If you are reading this -- and I assume you are, or else I'm writing only to myself -- the polls probably still are open on this big Election Day, and you still have time to vote. But that doesn't mean you should.
A lot of people like Puff Daddy P. Diddly Piggly Wiggly Combs have tried to book a lot of perfectly good Americans on a guilt trip because they don't vote. Piggly Wiggly's mantra is "Vote or die," which seems a little harsh. Does that mean he's going to kill you if you don't vote? There are millions of people who don't vote, and killing all of them would be a logistical nightmare. And what if you lived in a state where capital punishment was on the ballot? Then wouldn't the slogan be "Vote to kill"?
Anyway, if at this late date you are wondering if you should vote or not, you shouldn't. There are a lot of reasons not to vote. Here are just 10 reasons:
1. After more than a year of campaigning by candidates, if you still don't know who to vote for, you are obviously too stupid to vote. Stupid people should not vote. We could pass a law against stupid people voting, but we don't need to. You don't need to stop stupid people from doing something they are too stupid to attempt in the first place.
2. It's a lot of trouble voting. It's not your fault that you don't know where your polling place is. Or how to register. Life is hard, and you've got better things to do, like getting that third nostril ring.
3. If you try to vote, you'll screw it up anyway. Voting machines are very complicated. In some cases it takes almost a minute to figure out how they work. You'll just end up punching the wrong button or marking the wrong box. If you are incapable of functioning outside an election booth, what makes you think you'll suddenly be able to function inside one? And if you break the voting machine, you gotta pay for it. Save your money for pro wrestling pay-per-view.
4. One vote doesn't count. Think of all the millions of votes being cast across the country. It doesn't seem like your one little measly vote would matter, right? You're right. Go have a beer.
5. Cool people don't vote. Voting simply supports a system that doesn't represent you. Damn the man! Down with the New World Order! Take a bong hit.
6. All the candidates are alike. Mufi, Duke, Kerry, Bush ... How can you tell 'em apart? You can't. Have another martini.
7. No matter how you vote, the other side is going to steal the election. Go whine on some Internet blog about it.
8. If you try to vote, they aren't going to let you. They'll find some technical reason that you can't vote, like you're not wearing pants. Besides, who'll watch your shopping cart while you're voting?
9. You're too important to vote. Lining up with the unwashed masses to vote is so yucky. Go wax your Hummer.
10. Did we mention you are too stupid to vote?
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Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail email@example.com