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Kalani Simpson Sidelines

Kalani Simpson

Friday, August 27, 2004


A theme song for
every occasion


I have decided that I will have my own personal theme music.

My theme music will probably have a lot of drums, and possibly some chanting, and maybe a driving techno beat. And most of all, it will drive home the point that I, in case you haven't noticed, am incredibly macho.

Oh, you may think this sounds silly. But you are probably also the kind of person who thinks it sounds silly that June Jones and the Hawaii football team have turned to Grammy and Emmy award-winning legendary TV composer Mike Post to come up with their own personal theme music. You probably also roll your eyes that one of the tracks -- they now have an official tune for every occasion -- is actually called (this is true) "Warrior Strut."

Well, I guess you just don't know the true value of having your own theme music, how cool that truly is, especially if it is called "Warrior Strut" (actually, I think it's the chanting that puts it over the top).

But I, on the other hand, know a good idea when I see one.

So starting this football season this column will also have its own theme music.

Unfortunately, I don't have a resource like Post (he's a genius -- he wrote the opening music for most every TV show you've ever heard of, including "Knight Rider"), so I've been working on this myself, in my spare time. I've been at it for a few days now, and I think it's going pretty well.

It pretty much consists of me humming, singing, making strange noises, banging things and yelling stuff like, "Boom!-chaka!-ba-dum-dum-pshhh!"

I also bob my head a lot.

"What are you doing?" my wife said.

"I'm writing my own personal theme music," I said.

Then she called her mother.

This songwriting isn't as easy as it looks. But it's important.

I'm trying to establish a brand, here. An attitude. An identity.

You might not understand these things. You might be the kind of person who, after listening to the unveiling of the UH sample tracks, reacted with an "are you kidding me?" cringe, and said, "I have never been to a Siegfried and Roy show, but I would imagine it would sound exactly like that."

Ha! Would you so scoff at Darth Vader? Or Woody Woodpecker? Or Crockett and Tubbs?

Of course not.

And now I, too, am going to be joining that elite group.

Me. The UH football program. Shaft. ...

You can't argue with Post's impressive résumé (seriously, the man is a first-ballot hall of famer), but I recognize that Coach Jones and I have very different styles. So I may need to go in another direction for help on this.

Maybe the guy who wrote the "Love Boat" theme song.

Or the guy who wrote the "Three's Company" theme song.

Or Star-Bulletin staffer Ben Henry's band, The Crud.

I take it seriously. It's a tough job being cool enough for your own soundtrack.

Already, my walk to the computer is a swagger. My keystrokes are bolder. I finish sentences with a cocky flourish.

I think it's the chanting that puts it over the top.



See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com

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