Hurricane gave
Charley a bad name

AS an official Charley, that is, a Charles who spells his nickname correctly, I feel bad that the first hurricane named Charley did so much damage in Florida last week.

Charleys in general, whether spelled Charley, Charlie or Charly, never get much respect because their names are associated with "good times," talking tuna or bad perfume. So when a hurricane finally was named Charley, Charleys around the world felt a tinge of pride. It's not like we wanted Hurricane Charley to do any damage. We wanted it to just look big and scary, taunt the coast and then move out to sea, causing everyone to say, "Hey, you know, that Hurricane Charley, he was a good hurricane."

Instead, Hurricane Charley did slam into land. Ironically, it headed directly for Tampa, my place of birth. I went from feeling proud that a hurricane was finally named Charley to embarrassed. I don't know how the National Weather Service comes up with names for storms, but, speaking on behalf of all Charleys with an "ey," we would have rather been skipped over this hurricane season. Why couldn't it have been named Hurricane Charlie or at least Hurricane Chuck?

I feel particularly bad for people who lost their homes. I know if I lost my home, I wouldn't want to lose it to a hurricane named Charley. I'd want to lose it to a savage, tough-sounding hurricane, like Hurricane Bruno or Hurricane Teresa Heinz Kerry.

But it doesn't look good for the Atlantic states this year. The first five storms have been given the names Alex, Bonnie, Charley, Danielle and Earl. That sounds like the infield of a rural Alabama Denny's softball team.

I never asked my parents why I became a Charley. I didn't become a Chuck because my dad was a Chuck, and they didn't want to get into that Big Chuck, Little Chuck deal. But I wish I had been a Charlie, since that's the way everyone spells it anyway. I just got a letter from Gov. Linda Lingle, and she personalized it by marking out the typed "Mr. Memminger" and writing "Charlie" in with a pen. She was just trying to be nice. I understand. I'm used to it. All Charleys are used to it.

THERE APPARENTLY are about 30 million more Charlies in the world than Charleys. Type in "Charley" in Google on the Internet, and you get only 1,230,000 hits. "Charlie" gets 31,700,00. Type in Charles and you get 42.5 million hits, which is why I use Charles in my byline. It's hard to screw up Charles. Except when people get cute and call you "Chas."

Getting back to hurricanes, you won't see a Hurricane Charley, Charlie, Charly, Charlee, Chuck, Chucky, Chas or Charlo in Hawaii. That's because all the hurricanes in the Central Pacific are given Hawaiian names. Our official storm names for 2004 are Akoni, Ema, Hana, Io, Keli, Lala, Moke, Nele, Oka, Peke, Uleki and Wila, in that order.

Those are pretty names for hurricanes. Too pretty. And I just hope we never have to meet any of them.