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Alo-Ha! Friday

Charles Memminger

Friday, July 30, 2004


Kindergarten hurts
child labor market


THE governor has signed a law that will prevent children under the age of 5 from entering kindergarten and as a result, I believe, greatly improve the state's economy.

The new law means that kids will no longer be forced by overbearing parents into schooling before they are ready and will free them up to join the workforce.

There are thousands of sub-5-year-olds who now will be able to find jobs and contribute something to society before availing themselves of the cushy ride offered by 17 years of education. Taking children out of the labor market so they can ostensibly "go to school" for all that time really hurts the state economy. I look forward to seeing the sub-5s out waiting tables, directing traffic and generally making themselves useful.

And now the news ...

Huge hog a huge hoax?

ALAPAHA, Ga. (AP) >> Around these parts, they are calling it Hogzilla: a 10-foot long wild hog recently killed on a plantation and now part of local legend.

Not everyone believes the claim. The plantation's owner says the hog weighed 450 kilograms, which is strange because nobody in Alapaha knows what that is in pounds. And few people have seen the jumbo pig. The only proof is a photo of the dead beast hanging from a tree by a rope.

(One clue the legend is true is the sudden appearance of cans of Spam the size of tool boxes on market shelves.)

Are death calls a hoax?

LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) >> Ominous text messages threatening death to cell phone users is terrifying residents of Africa's most populous country.

Callers receive a text message warning them "Beware! You'll die if you take a call from any of these phone numbers!" The numbers are then listed.

"I switched off my mobile phone and took no calls at all," said 22-year-old Olochi Zaubogu after getting the message.

A telephone company spokesman said the messages are a hoax and should be ignored.

"It's the work of people who want to cause fear and promote disaffection within society," a spokesman said.

(Or else it is the worst direct-call marketing promotion ever conceived.)

Squirrel screams a hoax?

MANITOBA, Canada (BBC) >> Ground squirrels emit a "silent scream" -- an alarm call so high pitched that humans cannot even hear it, scientists say.

(Which raises the question, if a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, are the squirrels shouting "Timbeeeerrrrrrr!?")

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

If you thought the secret video taken of KFC's poultry suppliers abusing chickens was outrageous, just wait to hear what was happening to the other entrees. People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables will be shocked.

Quote me on this (Division of Dumb Things Famous Men Have Said About Women):

"When a woman becomes a scholar, there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Women who can, do. Those who can't become feminists." -- Bobby Riggs

"Brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them in a see-through blouse." -- Bobby Vinton




See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com



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