Alo-Ha! Friday

Charles Memminger

Friday, July 23, 2004

Celebs and free speech
just don’t mix

HAS-BEEN crooner Linda Ronstadt gets booted out of the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas for speaking up for left-wing knucklehead Michael Moore. Whoopi Goldberg gets fired from SlimFast for bashing President Bush in one of her trademark potty-mouth comedy routines. Pepsi drops appropriately named rapper Ludacris as a pitch man because of his women-hating offensive lyrics.

You might not agree with what any of these folks say, but it's kind of scary that the biggest threat to free speech in America isn't Big Brother, but Big Business. On the other hand, if artists are dumb enough to sell out to corporations, and corporations are dumb enough to hire idiot celebrities, they both deserve whatever ill fortune befalls them.

And now the news ...

Homing pigeons get lost

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) » Organizers of a race for homing pigeons were scratching their heads in wonder after 1,500 birds didn't return home.

Only 500 of the 2,000 birds released in the contest returned to their lofts, said Lars-Aake Nilsson, of the Malmoe Homing Pigeon Club. He said there have been no reported sightings of the missing birds anywhere in southern Sweden.

(Coincidentally, a farmer in Iceland whose property suddenly was inundated with strange-looking birds, made a ton of money selling what he claimed were "Viking chickens" to the Reykjavik Summer Festival and Barbecue.)

More trailer park chic

PORT ORANGE, Fla. (AP) » A man was arrested after hitting his girlfriend with a 3-foot-long alligator and throwing beer bottles at her during a fight at the couple's trailer.

David Havenner, 41, was ordered to be held without bail on charges of battery and illegal possession of an alligator.

(Coincidentally, Florida just passed a law mandating a 10-day waiting period before one can purchase a semiautomatic assault alligator.)

Stews stage flight fight

MOSCOW (AP) » Drunken airline passengers are known to give flight attendants trouble. Not in Russia. On a recent flight from Moscow, two drunken flight attendants were arrested after attacking passengers.

The trouble started after a passenger asked to be served by a flight attendant who wasn't intoxicated. The drunk flight attendants took offense at that and beat the passenger up.

(Coincidentally, the airline's motto is, "Nobody can beat our service. And they'd better not try.")

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
In Sunday's "Honolulu Lite" we will attempt to find a dignified and delicate way to discuss the use of tourist excrement to generate electricity. At this point, it seems pretty hopeless.

Quote me on this (Dept. of Happy Marriage):
"My wife and I had words -- but I never got to use mine." -- Fibber McGee

"It's too bad that most weddings don't use the word 'obey' anymore. It used to lend a little humor to the occasion." -- Lloyd Cory

"There's one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." -- Steve Martin

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.


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