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Gathering Place
Arnold van Fossen |
Off to parts unknown
Editor's note: Arnold van Fossen, a frequent Star-Bulletin guest columnist, has been laid up in the hospital lately. With far too much idle time, his thoughts turned to his own mortality and the disposition of his worldly -- and bodily -- goods.Probably the most satisfying thing about writing a will is the revenge factor. You can dump that old brooch with the seed pearls on Niece Margaret, while Cousin Ed still thinks that the terrible rip-off of the Remington bronze is the real thing. Hey, look at it as payback time. Let's hope there is someone who loves you who will appreciate the real goods: the cash, bonds, stock and land. A nice little property in Manoa?
But we are blessed with something far more important to pass on. Everyone knows how Dr. Frankenstein went about the countryside robbing graves to get bits and pieces and hanks of hair to put together his main man. Today we have more modern methods to get spare parts for the body; unfortunately, most people are not aware of their inventory of assets.
I have been working on a parts list that should be posted on the Internet similar to the Web sites they have for car parts. Need Corvette fenders? Go on line and you will find them all over the world, including shipping charges. With body parts, it is much easier: one-stop shopping.
Take my scalp.You would have to look at old pictures to know it, but this scalp once featured a magnificent copy of the Elvis dip. Today there is only a bit of hair here and there, and it probably would not be snatched up by a Mexican Hairless Chihuahua as bed linen.
The eyebrows, however, are a different story. They are a must for any young Japanese male who aspires for the prime minister's job. They are woolly, graying, long and ungainly. Perfect for showing that the man is too busy thinking to brush out his eyebrows. That is probably the reason there has not been a woman prime minister in Japan: not enough eyebrow hair.
Now the eyes. These two eyes have guided me up the pyramids in Egypt and along the Golan Heights, and spent hours gazing at the Winged Victory. They are old and require trifocals, but hey, if you are without eyes, these could help. There was a U.S. Marine on the news who had lost an eye in combat. I would gladly give him one or both of mine.
The nose is a droopy little affair. Used to be perky and stuck itself into everyone's business. Its use would be strictly cosmetic, but that's OK. Hey, you don't need to smell everything.
Now the lips and tongue. I can't tell you where these instruments of pleasure have been, but trust me, they have provided such delight to so very many. Yet I would part with them in an instant if I knew the recipient would get half as much use out of them as I did.
The heart is a problem. It is loaded with stints. At least one artery is loaded. It works perfectly well thanks to the good doctors and nurses at Kaiser Medical Center, but people may not look on it as an asset.
The liver is big and in good shape. It would probably transplant into four or five youngsters with special needs, or help some old nightclub singers to get back onto their feet. My kidneys are functional and useful. Good for two people at least.
We shall skip right over the naughty parts. Hardly worth bringing up these days, though they're good for a story or two.
The skin hangs on this 66-year-old frame. There is a lot of it and probably would be quite useful in burn units. I figure that stretched out it could easily cover five or six kids, and the warmth and love gathered in six-plus decades would begin the healing process immediately.
So, in death, we have enough spare parts to make a couple of other people complete again. It is a one-stop operation. Sign the card and become a donor and all useful spare parts will be installed quicker than a used car salesman can say "sold." It will make very many people happy.
A few years ago, a young friend, John Kelly, of Greenwich, N.Y., was killed. His family donated his organs and I sometimes imagine that one day I will look again into John's smiling eyes, shining from someone else's face. It is a wonderful thought.
Contact the Organ Donor Center of Hawaii at odch@aol.com or call 599-7630.