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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
True friends know
when to offer tequila
This week, we continue with Part Two of "10 Stupid Things Respectable People Do to Mess Up the World."
Last week we shook the foundation of the Respectable World by revealing that, despite the unrelenting chants of their henchmen (Slob-hating self-help gurus), Respectable People have a behavioral no-no list of their own. It's just that, up to now, Digital Slobs have been too lackadaisical to roll out of our stupors and mention it.We started with No. 10, "proactive lending," which is the act of coercing Slobs into watching or reading things Respectable People have already watched or read.
Forcing "nuanced entertainment" down our gullet may seem altruistic, but think how rude this behavior would be in any another context.
Imagine someone, unsolicited, gives you a dollar, then tells you to buy a Snickers, then tells you to eat it, then badgers you to not only report back (soon) on the experience, but to hurry up and pay back that dollar, so someone else can be forced to buy a Snickers after you.
Now, replace that imaginary Snickers in your mind with a DVD of some movie called "The Human Stain." Not very appetizing.
But Slobs have many other grievances, so let's keep moving.
9) Schadenfreude gifting: Webster's defines "Schadenfreude" as "glee at another's misfortune." We've all seen this constant force of nature in action. It explains why your job promotion barely gets a collective nod at the family dinner table, but rumors that your cousin is in rehab just five months after winning the lottery keeps jaws yapping even when they're stuffed with mashed potatoes.
No one is immune to spite, but only Respectable People have the gall to wrap it up, put a bow on it and present it to you with an almost festive exuberance.
In contrast, when fault-plagued Slobs poke at your shortcomings, it feels harmless and cute -- like 4-year-olds boxing with their dads. But at least when we give someone a "getting old" birthday card that mocks their bladder control, we make sure they're at least 10 or 15 years away from actually having the problem.
But not Respectable People. They smell fear the way the Olsen Twins smell marketing opportunities, and they think pushing your buttons is the gift that keeps on giving.
Feeling mortal on your birthday? Respectable People will look at you like a ghost as you unwrap their gift (a subscription to Modern Maturity Magazine), or shove pamphlets in your free hand (as you eat cake with the other) with titles that sound like ill-conceived sitcom pilots ("Me and My Prostate," or "5 Simple Rules for Preventing Colorectal Cancer").
Having marital problems? You can count on your Slob buddy to do the healthy thing. We'll drown your sorrows in a wading pool of tequila, letting you survey your options during a weekend in the single world without having to worry about the pesky aftertaste that might be left by any memory of it whatsoever.
But not Respectable People. After shackling you to both them and their Stepford Spouses, they'll make you third-wheel it to a book signing for a bestseller with a positive-thinking title like "Even If It Starts With 'Di,' There Can Still Be Life After Divorce."
So stop unloading "tough love" gifts on us during special occasions like they're tax deductible, Respectable People. The day we get serious about improving our lives will be the day we take you off the guest list.
Next week: Sleep debting.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com