Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger

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Families today watch
warbling not wrangling

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When I was a kid and my family sat down to watch a television show as a family, it was "Gunsmoke" or "Bonanza." Great family fare. Marshal Matt Dillon was shot 87 times without ever being hit in a major organ. The man was a walking flesh wound.

We were naive. In watching "Bonanza," it never occurred to us to question what four single men were doing living in the woods together. Sure, they SAID they were family, but how come none of the "brothers" looked alike and none of them looked like "Dad"?

Family viewing at our house today is watching a singing contest. Who'd have believed it? From showdowns to show tunes and from lariats to larynxes, "American Idol" has changed TV viewing. We cringe when nerves get the better of Maui's Camile Velasco and cheer when our Jasmine Trias blows away the crowd. I'd rather watch either of them than Hoss or Festus any day.

Now the news:

Gum law pops a little

SINGAPORE (AP) >> Singapore is set to partially lift its famous ban on chewing gum. But those yearning to blow bubbles or freshen their breath will have to settle for a chewy nicotine substitute.

The city-state, which has banned gum to keep the sidewalks clean, will allow the chewing of nicotine gum to help smokers quit.

(Illegal gum chewing addicts will be issued gum-flavored cigarettes to smoke.)

Panda porno is a hit

BEIJING (AP) >> Chinese veterinarians have begun showing American-born panda Hua Mei sex-education videos to prepare her for "blind dates" with Chinese panda suitors.

Scientists hope the videos will help Hua Mei mate quickly with Chinese pandas and give birth.

(Hua Mei, whose sisters are named Hua Yu? and Hua Dat?, told reporters, "Hey, now that I've got the dirty movies, who needs a man?")

Passion of the Confused

HARTLAND, Maine (AP) >> A 23-year-old Hartland man was hospitalized after he tried to nail himself to a cross.

Police said the man, who appeared to be delusional, attempted the self crucifixion after seeing pictures of God on a computer. He made a cross out of two pieces of wood and then nailed one of his hands down. When he realized he couldn't nail down his other hand, he called 911.

(As it turns out, it wasn't God on the computer, it was Bill Gates. Wait. It was God.)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

In Sunday's Honolulu Lite I'll share a few random thoughts on staying married for 25 years, like, if you never "stray," do you get to save up all the "seven year itches"? And is it a good idea for husbands to watch the movie "Fatal Attraction" at least once a year?

Quote me on this:
"It's inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians." -- Henrik Ibsen

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See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com