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Honolulu Lite

Charles Memminger

Sunday, February 15, 2004


Dr. Laura! Help!
My governor lied to me!


Distraught that Gov. Linda Lingle snuck out of town last week to visit Hawaii's troops in Iraq, the jilted news media here placed a call to the only person who could help deal with the feelings of betrayal and pain: Dr. Laura.

Dr. Laura: Hello, caller, how can I helped you?

News media: My girlfriend ... well, a friend of mine who's a girl, the governor of Hawaii, cheated on me last week.

Dr. Laura: How'd she do that?

Media: She went out on a date clear across to the other side of the world to meet a bunch of military guys.

Dr. Laura: How long have you and the governor been together?

Media: Not long. A couple of years. I never had a relationship with anyone like her. All of the governors I've dealt with in the past were, well, dudes. She seemed really honest and smart and I thought we trusted each other.

Dr. Laura: And you feel she betrayed that trust.

Media: Well, duh! She lied to me. She said she needed some time to herself to get ready to meet some head of state or something. And instead, she sneaks out off the island and flies off to Iraq.

Dr. Laura: Why do you think she did that?

Media: She said it was to build up the troops' morale. Yeah, I bet she did that!

Dr. Laura: You seem a little insecure. Doesn't she have a job that entails a lot of travel and meeting a lot of people.

Media: Yeah, but usually she doesn't lie about it.

Dr. Laura: This looks to me like it was a special circumstance. If enemies of America knew she was arriving in Iraq, they might have blown her up. How would you feel then?

Media: Happy that she didn't lie to me?

Dr. Laura: Come on now.

Media: OK, I understand there was some need for secrecy, but she could have confided in me. I wouldn't have told anyone.

Dr. Laura: But isn't your job telling everyone everything?

Media: Yeah. But it's just not right to lie to the media.

Dr. Laura: Bill Clinton lied to you and it didn't bother you.

Media: Yeah, but he's a guy. Guy's always lie. Chicks are supposed to be more honest, especially in high office. I just don't know if I will ever be able to trust Linda Lingle again.

Dr. Laura: I doubt if she'd lie to you again, unless she was having to put herself in harm's way, like returning to Iraq or going to New Jersey or something.

Media: That's the problem. How can I be sure? Maybe she's been lying all along. She says she wants separate school boards to make schools run more fairly and efficiently. But does she REALLY? Does she really love kids and animals?

Dr. Laura: Sounds to me like she did something worthwhile and you're just upset because she didn't let you in on it. She could have been assassinated in Baghdad and all you'd want to whine about would be your hurt feelings.

Media: Sniff.

Dr. Laura: But I've got some good news.

Media: She's going to apologize to me?

Dr. Laura: No, I just saved a bundle of money on my car insurance.




See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com



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