Kalani Simpson Sidelines

Kalani Simpson

Saturday, January 31, 2004

Hawaii left with no
rose from MWC

IT'S painful admission time. (Deep breath.) I watch "The Bachelor." There, I said it.

Now, understand that I don't want to watch "The Bachelor." But my wife does. And though it hasn't yet been a long time, I have already come to realize this is just part of marriage.

I think this kind of thing was best summed up in a story once told by local sports supporter and hall of fame coach Al Minn.

"Don't you read the sports section?" he asked his wife one day when she'd asked him a simple sports question.

"Of course," Mrs. Minn said, only half joking. "You force me."

That is me and "The Bachelor."

So for those of you lucky enough not to know this, the most recent bachelor was named "Bob." And the women loved him. They were obsessed with him, they were "already falling in love," and they cried a lot and mooned over him and laughed frantically at his every joke. They flattered the guy and stole kisses and cut in to drag him away from the other girls so they could ask him if he really, really liked them best.

It was sad, really.

Yeah, that's the sad part of this story. Kalani, why are all your columns this week about you watching television?

Ahem. Anyway, Bob seems like a nice guy, so forgive me, but I don't see the appeal here. I think Bob would be a lot of fun to hang out with, but he is not a classic beauty. He is not a major "stud muffin." Bob is, in the words of the immortal Butt Head (of "Beavis and"), "no Don Johnson, you know."

Which brings us to the handful of Western Athletic Conference schools looking like Blue Dress, Stalker Chick and Tina Fabulous in hope of getting a rose from the Mountain West.

(All this is missing is a bad TV host: "Mountain West, it's time for you to make your decision.")


The "Bob" of football conferences.

And then, this week, at last, came the denouement. The Mountain West made its decision. And it was not (deep breath) Hawaii. Or Fresno or Boise or UTEP or any of the other lovelies preening and pleading in hope of getting a rose.

"TCU is flattered to have been asked to join the Mountain West Conference," TCU Chancellor Victor Boschini said in a release.

Well, it better be.

There were a number of other institutions that were pretty public in (TV bimbospeak alert) "putting themselves out there." And just like on those awful shows, their dreams have now been crushed and their dreamboat has sailed away.

"There will be no active consideration of additional membership for the time being," MWC commissioner Craig Thompson announced yesterday.

This is the point, in these "reality" series, where the also-rans realize, red-faced, what hoops they've jumped through (for all the world to see) and how silly their TV love was. And then they go home, back to real reality.

But this one has a twist. These girls stay in the big house, after their bachelor has left, still stuck with each other. Now that's an ending even TV couldn't dream up.

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Kalani Simpson can be reached at


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