need new script
WHEN people keep telling you you're a no-good rotten son-of-a-gun and keep trying to kill you to prove it, it's natural to become a little introspective. Am I a no-good rotten son-of-a-gun? Am I inadvertently exuding an aura of no-good rotten son-of-a-gunism?
Since radical Muslim terrorists murdered thousands of innocent civilians at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on this date two years ago, many Americans have been asking, "What have we done to make these people hate us so badly?"
Some Americans have concluded that terrorist attacks against Western targets are continuing because there really is something wrong with this country. Some, like actor Johnny Depp, have decided that America is so despicable that he can't live here. He's moved to France because America is a no-good rotten place.
It's ironic that Depp and other high-profile actors and entertainers are the most vocal America bashers. If Muslim fundamentalists think America is "the Great Satan," a corrupt, greedy, immoral and ungodly place, actors and entertainers are largely responsible for spreading that message.
When Madonna and Britney Spears gave each other tongue tonsillectomies at the MTV awards recently, Osama bin Laden probably pointed at his portable TV screen and yelled, "See! That's what I'm talking about! Not only are American woman allowed to walk around in public showing their perky American breasts, they are allowed to kiss each other!"
Had Madonna and Britney sucked face in Afghanistan under the enlightened Taliban administration, they would have been stoned to death.
The radical Islamists despise everything Hollywood celebrates: drinking, cussing, smoking, drugging, hugging, sexing, transsexing, homosexing, multisexing, rap, rock, hip-hop, bebop, bikinis, bondage, piercings, porno, pot, the pill, free will, free sex, S&M, M&Ms, ATMs, condoms, abortion, lesbians, thespians and Pauly Shore in drag.
OUR FOREIGN ENEMIES actually believe America is the mindless crap that is shown in the movies and on TV. They don't understand that most Americans think it is mindless crap also and just ignore it.
So it's kind of funny when Alec Baldwin (who's made millions playing a Rambo-like Rusky-killer) and Susan Sarandan (who in "Thelma and Louise" went on a man-killing spree) lecture us about America's bad image abroad.
The fact is, America isn't the evil, wicked place some Muslims and some American actors claim it is. We aren't perfect. But the United States is still a country people try to break INTO instead of OUT OF. If Johnny Depp wants to leave, fine. At least he could leave freely in a plane instead of sneaking away on an inner tube. I hope Depp spends this 9/11 anniversary visiting the graves of those no-good rotten Americans who gave their lives to rescue his newly adopted country from Adolf Hitler.
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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org