Digital Slob
Curt Brandao
Online DVD rentals
make a lot of senseSurprisingly, Digital Slobs can form the same kind of healthy families that many Respectable People pretend to have. But it seems an ever-growing group is putting "happily ever after" on hold until it gets tired of movies.
Marriage and children will always be a mystery to single Digital Slobs. The sleepless, yet sober, nights; the unconditional, yet maddening, love for your children; the itemized, yet still costly, tax returns -- aside from the Spaghetti-O's and the Count Chocula in the cupboard, it's like another world to us. On the other hand, when we commit to a Vin Diesel flick, we know exactly what we're getting into.
Intellectually, we understand child-rearing is for the public good and should be encouraged, perhaps even enforced like a draft. But even for Digital Slobs in love, weddings often feel like a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles in a tux.
But there is one thing we can clearly see from the outside of wedded bliss looking in: Parents almost never go to movies. When they do, they have to prepare for it weeks in advance, like an ascent on Mount Everest. So, they usually give up entirely.
If you doubt this, just ask one "Have you seen any good movies lately?" and watch them scowl back, as if you just asked an incarcerated mob boss if he'd eaten any good calzones lately.
"The Matrix: Reloaded" will surely break box office records in May, but few involved in impregnations from 1990 to roughly August 2002 will be part of the initial siege on movie houses, because their baby-sitters will be in line themselves. Big premieres are like national holidays for teen domestic help. It may even be a union thing.
Therefore, parental "I can't go" Respectable People must put on a brave face as they clutch their diapered offspring, claiming children are worth the sacrifice, but Digital Slobs know poor family planning when they see it. Who in their right mind gets pregnant in the middle of a three-year "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, for crying out loud?
Demographics underscore the point. Men aren't taking their first leap into marriage until the record-breaking median age of 27, and women are waiting until 25. At the same time, U.S. box office revenues are soaring to new heights ($9.3 billion last year, up 11 percent from 2001). So, clearly, foot traffic is wearing out theater aisle carpets faster than wedding aisle carpets.
But we needn't go extinct, wasting away our reproductive years watching Roman numerals bunch up behind Spider-Man sequels. One thing could cure many Digital Slobs of their panda-like aversion to procreation.
Renting DVDs online mitigates parenthood's pop culture isolation. Services like Netflix.com deliver discs via snail mail. You set up an online account and pick from an extensive library. For $20 a month, you can have up to three out at a time; watch them, send them back (postage-free) and then the next DVDs on your pick list will follow.
Of course, you have to move inventory to get your money's worth. But, with a reasonable mailbox-to-DVD-player-to-mailbox turnaround, you can view about 10 titles a month, a good value compared to buying them.
About 15.5 DVDs were bought per capita last year, and they averaged $17 each. That's more than $260 spent annually on what amounts to individually wrapped, movie-themed coasters for all but the few hours they will be put to actual use. Why not pay less and have access to thousands of titles?
For future parents, it's the mature thing to do.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's
production editor. Reach him at
at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com