Sidelines
Death Match,
screwdrivers and excusesDEAR sports columnist:
>> "June Jones vs. Pat Hill is hilarious. I see a Celebrity Death Match in the future. ... In closing, Screwdrivergate is proof that to win in college football year after year, a team needs three things: 1) talented players, 2) talented coaches, and 3) a full stadium."
COMMENT: Yes, I'm glad that we've all learned something from Screwdrivergate.
Here is what I learned from Screwdrivergate:
DUCK!
There are life lessons everywhere.
>> "Yeah, June Jones is a piece of work. I don't believe in throwing screwdrivers at him, though."
COMMENT: Well, I don't think anybody was advocating it!
>> "This is in reference to your WAC article, or should I say 'wack' article. What are you smoking? June Jones/Hawaii is the king of the WAC, surpassing Fresno State. Not to mention the comment regarding the WAC being in big, big trouble if Boise State is the flagship team.
"Fact: BSU spanked Hawaii and Fresno State this year.
"Fact: BSU beat Hawaii and Fresno State last year (on the road).
"Fact: BSU is 4-0 while playing on ESPN/ESPN2.
"Fact: ESPN has already tried to get BSU to play another Friday night game this year, but it couldn't get worked out on the schedule.
"Fact: ESPN has contacted BSU regarding TV games next season.
"Fact: You are a moron.
"Now put down the bong you fashioned out of bamboo and your sister's coconut bra, and take a journalism class."
COMMENT: Ha! I don't have a sister, so the joke's on you!
>> "Hawaii and Jones, the WAC's star names? Maybe it's just because you live on the islands, but no one here on the mainland seems to give a (ahem) about the 'Bows or Jones. While UH has June Jones, whose coaching abilities seem to be defined by his past and his ego, Boise State has a coach who is one of the country's hottest prospects and shows it on and off the field (Orlando Sentinel). And he is not going anywhere, as you will find out. As, to your dismay, we become the WAC's ESPN darlings, I wish you and UH all the best while bathing in mediocrity as the conference's second- or third-best football program."
COMMENT: And then Boise State will take over the world. Do you hear me? The WORLD! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!
(Don't you just love the Internet?)
>> "I will enjoy Christmas at home if it is a (Hawaii Bowl) team like Houston or Alabama-Birmingham. So if it's gotta be the ConfUSA, then let it be Louisville or Southern Mississippi. They will make me break away from ham, turkey, cranberry sauce and gravy, make the trek to Kapolei for the bus ride to the game, apologize to my family for running away on such a day. (Too bad my grandson is too young to drag to the football game. My granddaughters are old enough, but they would only be interested in the halftime show, eats, looking at the fans yelling, looking at the fat lady, looking at the drunk fat lady, looking at the guy with the tattoo on his arm, looking at the girl with a tattoo on her arm, eating saimin, and asking when is it time to go home.)"
COMMENT: Yeah, that's what it's like up in the press box.
>> "It is time for you and all the other influential media persons in Hawaii to correct your thinking about attendance at UH home games. I am sick of all of you making excuses for people to not attend the home games. ... You and all the other sportswriters do not understand that real fans attend the games regardless of whom the team is playing. How many empty seats were there when Oklahoma played 'Podunk State' earlier this year? Did the fans there stay home because the competition was weak? ... Get all your media colleagues off their collective (okoles) and get them to start pushing people to go to the games. Tell people why they should go, not why they should not."
COMMENT: Well, there is the saimin, the tattoos, the drunk lady ...
>> "Alabama looks great the times I saw them on TV. If UH plays against them as they did against San Jose State -- aweh! If they get taken to the cleaners, that will take the luster off the Bowl game."
COMMENT: The Alabama game is the bowl game.
Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com