Alo-Ha! Friday

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Paintball fanatics may
take on the Marines

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Kualoa Ranch, which offers everything from horseback riding to paintball combat, is considering allowing U.S. Marines to conduct jungle training on its property.

This is a great idea and should bring much-needed realism to the "sport" of paintball.

Perhaps when you drive by the ranch in the future, you will see a Marine with a paintball smoosh on his Kevlar jacket pointing a bazooka at a camouflaged certified public accountant saying, "Nice shot, Rambo. Now it's MY turn."

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But now the news:

Leaving the nest is hard

RABAT, Morocco (Reuters) >> Moroccan surgeons have relieved a 75-year-old woman of what she thought was a long-standing tumor but turned out to be the remains of a 46-year-old fetus.

The woman underwent surgery after complaining of abdominal pains.

(Doctors allegedly also recovered pizza boxes, a television remote control and a note reading, "Mom, I'll look for a job tomorrow. I promise.")

Narrow ruling sits badly

VANCOUVER, Canada (Reuters) >> Narrow airline seats may be uncomfortable, but they are not discriminatory, according to the Canadian Transportation Agency.

The federal agency ruled against a woman who complained about Air Canada's policy of charging larger passengers a higher fare if they needed two seats.

(The airline hopes to solve the "narrow seat" problem by making airplane doorways only 28 inches wide.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Life is so complicated that regular old psychoses don't work anymore. That's why we now have people suffering from annorex-arachniphobia, which is a fear of skinny spiders. Then there are the cyprido-claustrophobics who are afraid of confined prostitutes. Read "Honolulu Lite" on Sunday to figure out what YOUR problem is.

Quote me on this:

A special "Political Season" offering of quotes:

"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking forward to a happy, wonderful night ... uh, life." -- U.S. Sen. Ted Kennedy

"I don't know anyone here that's been killed by a handgun." -- Rep. Avery Alexander

"What's a man gotta do to get in the top 50?" -- Bill Clinton, on a survey ranking the Lewinsky scandal as the 53rd most significant story of the century

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." -- George W. Bush

"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25." -- Sen. Mary Anne Tebedo

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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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