Alo-Ha! Friday


Friday, October 25, 2002

Paintball fanatics may
take on the Marines

Kualoa Ranch, which offers everything from horseback riding to paintball combat, is considering allowing U.S. Marines to conduct jungle training on its property.

This is a great idea and should bring much-needed realism to the "sport" of paintball.

Perhaps when you drive by the ranch in the future, you will see a Marine with a paintball smoosh on his Kevlar jacket pointing a bazooka at a camouflaged certified public accountant saying, "Nice shot, Rambo. Now it's MY turn."

But now the news:

Leaving the nest is hard

RABAT, Morocco (Reuters) >> Moroccan surgeons have relieved a 75-year-old woman of what she thought was a long-standing tumor but turned out to be the remains of a 46-year-old fetus.

The woman underwent surgery after complaining of abdominal pains.

(Doctors allegedly also recovered pizza boxes, a television remote control and a note reading, "Mom, I'll look for a job tomorrow. I promise.")

Narrow ruling sits badly

VANCOUVER, Canada (Reuters) >> Narrow airline seats may be uncomfortable, but they are not discriminatory, according to the Canadian Transportation Agency.

The federal agency ruled against a woman who complained about Air Canada's policy of charging larger passengers a higher fare if they needed two seats.

(The airline hopes to solve the "narrow seat" problem by making airplane doorways only 28 inches wide.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Life is so complicated that regular old psychoses don't work anymore. That's why we now have people suffering from annorex-arachniphobia, which is a fear of skinny spiders. Then there are the cyprido-claustrophobics who are afraid of confined prostitutes. Read "Honolulu Lite" on Sunday to figure out what YOUR problem is.

Quote me on this:

A special "Political Season" offering of quotes:

"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking forward to a happy, wonderful night ... uh, life." -- U.S. Sen. Ted Kennedy

"I don't know anyone here that's been killed by a handgun." -- Rep. Avery Alexander

"What's a man gotta do to get in the top 50?" -- Bill Clinton, on a survey ranking the Lewinsky scandal as the 53rd most significant story of the century

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." -- George W. Bush

"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25." -- Sen. Mary Anne Tebedo

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail

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