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Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Friday, June 7, 2002


[ ALO-HA FRIDAY ]

Say ‘no sir’ to
Yasser potato chips


One of the hottest snack foods in Egypt these days is Yasser Arafat Potato Chips. (This is no joke.)

The cheese-flavored chips sell for 25 piasters a bag, or roughly one piaster per chip. That works out to 5 cents a bag. For every 50 bags of chips sold, 5 cents goes to the "Palestinian cause." (No joke.)

At this rate, Egyptians would have to consume Idaho's entire yearly output of potatoes just to finance a new head scarf for Arafat. (Hold on, it's coming.)

You'd think that instead of potato chips, a more relevant snack food with Arafat's name and image would be bags of mixed nuts. (Bam! There it is.)

Now the news:

Gun-proof baby on board

TEL AVIV, Israel (Reuters) >> Palestinian suicide attacks, shooting ambushes and car bombings have led to the development of bullet-proof baby car seats and other high-tech gadgets for protection from terror assaults.

The equipment was on display this week at Israel's annual Security and Defense Exhibition. Missing were thousands of foreign security experts who usually flock to the conference to learn the latest about high-tech security. They apparently were concerned about a terror attack, a spokesman said.

(About the bullet-proof baby seat, does it come in an adult model?)

'Pretty Woman' terrorist?

HONG KONG (Reuters) >> A Hong Kong woman lost her case for compensation against a hair salon that she claimed made her look like Osama bin Laden when she wanted to look like Julia Roberts.

(Julia, baby, you gotta do something about that 5 o'clock shadow.)

Jorge applies a 'band' aid

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (Reuters) >> Uruguayan President Jorge Batlle tearfully patted a stern-faced Argentine President Eduardo Duhalde on the back and apologized this week for branding politicians in the South American neighboring nation "a band of thieves."

("I'm sorry I said 'band' of thieves.' What I meant was 'gaggle' of thieves. Or 'assemblage' of thieves. 'Conglomeration' also would work.")

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here for a graduation commencement speech, one of the most exquisite tortures ever devised by man. You've done the work, served your time, passed the tests, but before you get your diploma, you are subjected to one last agonizing ordeal: listening to some yahoo tell you your life is about to get much, much harder.

Quote me on this:

"Cashimo, you are zebra -- sport model jackass."

"Have humble impression psychiatry of no value when brain cease to function."

"Joy in heart better than bullet." -- Charlie Chan




Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com





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