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Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Friday, April 12, 2002


[ ALO-HA FRIDAY ]

Mideast crisis solved
by lunchtime


I'm going to take a few moments out of my busy schedule of digging up bizarre news items from around the world to solve the Middle East crisis. Here's all you have to do: hold an open, democratic election. But in this election, the Palestinians will elect a Jewish prime minister to lead Israel and the citizens of Israel will elect a Palestinian to lead the Palestinian people. There. Problem solved.

After lunch, we'll take care of the China-Taiwan imbroglio and maybe reunite the Koreas. Who said global geo-politics is difficult?

Elsewhere around the world:

Putting Wu! in sex life

WENZHOU, China (Reuters) >> Wu Wei fantasizes about selling sex toys to the Chinese. In a country where sex is rarely discussed in public, Wu is packing retail shelves with sex toys, trying to crack what he sees as an enormous market.

Despite success everywhere from Las Vegas to Amsterdam, Wu's sex toy operation faces hurdles at home. Nevertheless, Wu is hopeful.

"China has a very conservative culture," Wu said. "But Chinese today don't entirely reject sex products."

(With more than 100 billion citizens, maybe China doesn't need any extra help in the sex department.)

Singapore surveys sex

SINGAPORE (Reuters) >> The straight-laced Singapore government is providing citizens with a Web site designed to let them know if they are addicted to sex.

The 25-question test includes questions such as "Have you ever cruised public restrooms or parks looking for encounters with strangers?"

People who answer yes to three questions are told they show reason for concern. People who say yes to six or more are warned they face potentially dangerous consequences.

(People who say they order blow up dolls from Wu Wei are asked to leave the country.)

Meals Ready to Eject

LONDON (Reuters) >> Picnics and packed school lunches may never be the same again, thanks to the latest breakthrough in military science: the indestructible sandwich.

Spurred by unappetizing U.S. battlefield food known as Meals Ready to Eat, Army scientists have devised a chemical-treated, vacuum-sealed sandwich that stays edible for up to three years.

(Now if they can just invent another word for "edible.")

Honolulu Lite on Sunday: Some cynics believe that gubernatorial candidate D.G. Andy Anderson is a Trojan horse that Republicans rolled up to the gates of the Democratic fortress and, unbelievably, the Dems welcomed him with open wallets. Is Anderson actually a Republican mole, sent in to destroy the Democratic Party from the inside? Spy writer John Le Carre couldn't have made this up.

Quote me on this: "Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you will always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them." -- H.L. Mencken




Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com





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