Honolulu Lite


Friday, November 30, 2001

For Americans, it’s beach,
blanket, Bingo!

A new sex poll offers more PR ammo to Hawaii tourism officials to lure visitors to the islands: Beaches are the favorite venues for making love for most Americans.

You have to take the results of these kind of polls with a grain of sand, which, ironically, you also have to do when you make hoochie-koochie on a beach.

The poll by Durex SSL International, which apparently is in charge of butting into everyone's private business, also found that Americans are more sexually active than people in other countries. Americans have sex an average of 124 times a year. December starts tomorrow, so if your box scores in the Whoopee League are lagging, you'd better hit the beach and get cracking.

In other news:

Porkers revenge

BUDAPEST, Hungary (Reuters) >> The annual pre-Christmas swine slaughter in a southwestern Hungarian village came to a shocking end after one man died of electrocution while trying to stun a pig, whose owner then died of a heart attack.

(Interviewed later, a spokespig said, "This was a good year for us. Usually this event really sucks, but we've been concentrating on defense and learning basic electrical rewiring, and it really paid off.)

A bird in the britches ...

MIAMI (Reuters) >> A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but 44 birds in the britches are worth 10 years in the slammer.

Carlos Rodriguez was caught trying to smuggle 44 Cuban finches into the United States strapped to his legs under his pants on a flight from Havana. He faces prison, a $500,000 fine and multiple peck marks.

(Customs officials became suspicious when Rodriguez's crotch and thighs began chirping "Pretty boy!" "Viva Guevara!" and "Fidel wants a cracker!"

And baby makes plea

BRASILIA, Brazil (Reuters) >> Sexy superstar Gloria Trevi, being held in jail pending extradition to Mexico for sexual assault, says her incarceration violates the rights of her unborn 7-month-old baby.

Trevi's lawyers asked Brazil's Supreme Court to release the child from custody, which coincidentally would involve the release of the baby's carrier (to wit: the mother).

"We must defend not only (Trevi's) interests, but also those of the person inside her womb," her lawyer said.

(If the court won't release the felonious fetus, it should at least credit the little tyke with "time served" should he break the law in later life.)

"Honolulu Lite" on Sunday: Do we really want to live in a state where everyone drives the speed limit, where sneaking through an intersection on an occasional "rellow" or "yed" light results in a computerized fine? We're about to find out.

Quote me on this: "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." -- Last words of Pancho Villa

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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