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Kalani Simpson

Sidelines

By Kalani Simpson

Tuesday, November 13, 2001


‘The Warrior,’ dot races
and man in red hat

UMMMMBBLLLLEE ...

What? I can't hear you. It's the drums. The drums! Loud, no? Aren't you excited? Aren't you ready for some football? Are you psyched for a column?

It's malohi. That's Tongan for power, or so the Polynesian Cultural Center billboards read. This is what the University of Hawaii beams all across the country, on KFVE, on ESPN, and so it's good enough for "Sidelines."

Stereotype? Apparently the drummer doesn't think so, and he would be the one to know. Without an afternoon at Bishop Museum, I'm not prepared to say. But what the viewers are seeing, what we are presenting to the world, apparently as Hawaiian, is not Hawaiian. Huh?

(Hawaiian stereotypes are controversial.)

Still, you've got to hand it to this guy, "The Warrior." The mascot. The man beating on a drum with his head. He knows how to work a crowd. I can tell that you readers love him. (Have you seen his show at the PCC? What talent! It's hilarious. He's like a Tongan Rodney Dangerfield.)

We'll get to the column in a moment. But now it's time for more pregame festivities. Time for a few announcements. Time to thank our sponsors. Time for a couple of commercials.

Time for the starting lineup. (Cough, cough.) Sorry. The smoke. It's not easy to make it out of this tunnel, especially with the drummer, "The Warrior," waiting to thump you when your name is called. Hey, I didn't mean it! Rodney Dangerfield is a very handsome man!

Ouch. Time for kickoff.

I hope all you readers aren't stuck in traffic. Sorry for the searches. I know you used to be able to have any food you wanted with the newspaper. Or have a purse. (A purse!) I know your neighbor snuck something in. But please, patience, this is for all of us.

Oops! There's Timmy Chang's father, in the red hat. Time to take a timeout.

Well, now I'll get back to writing in a second. First, now here's the winner of our "Very Special Reader" contest. It could be you! But it's not. It's B.G. Hayashi, whose letter on the "Rainbows vs. Warriors" debate has won her a T-shirt donated by ex-Rainbow Dana Directo.

Dot race! It's red! It's white! It's red! It's white! It's down to the wire! Remember to eat Oxtail soup!

Let's thank my Highest Level sponsors. What? I don't have any? Where's my marketing department?

And now, on the big screen, Lanai and Augie get into a slap fight: (Noh! Noh! Noh! Noh! Noh! No-no-no-Noh! No-no-no-noh! No-no-no-no-no-noh!)

I love that.

And now, an anti-smoking commercial with hot chicks and wilting cigarettes.

And a beer commercial, because a lot of people feel they need to drink before they read this column. A lot of people feel they need to drink after they read this column.

Well, there's Timmy Chang's father in the red hat signaling again. We're ready to roll, ready to get back to action.

And so, let's get to the point of today's column:

Say hello to good buys, say hello to Price Busters.



Kalani Simpson's column runs Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays.
He can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com



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