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Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Sunday, November 11, 2001


Don’t be cowed, name
Lani’s baby

Lani Moo, the official spokescow for Meadow Gold Dairies, had a baby. That's no bull. Actually, it was a bull. At least, dairy honchos refer to the calf as "a cute little guy," so I suppose it's a bull. I'm a little gun-shy talking about the sex of large animals ever since the Great Gelding Debacle of 1996. I was writing about racehorses, and I called a gelding a mare. The animal had been a stallion at one time but had some essential equipment removed, if you catch my drift. This made the horse a gelding, not to mention a little depressed. I got a ton of mail attacking my ignorance of horses, which was surprising. You wouldn't think people who like to ride snarling, dangerous beasts would be so sensitive. Anyway, I got it figured out. A male horse is called a stallion. A male horse that does not come fully equipped is a gelding. And a female horse is, I believe, a filet. At least, she becomes a filet if she stops winning races.

But we're here to talk about cows, which, although they don't win many races, taste a lot better than horses.

Lani Moo is a special cow because she won't ever become an entree. She's a milk cow. A celebrity milk cow. That's about as good as it gets in the world of cows. And she just had a baby who seems to be on the fast track to a sweet life as a celebrity bovine himself.

Meadow Gold is holding a contest to name the calf but, get this, the contest is open only to kids between the ages of 4 and 13. This is just patently unfair. The Moo cow line is the closest Hawaii has to official state bovines, and it's cavalier to let some 4-year-old come up with a name that we will all have to live with for however long it is that cows and bulls live.

The kid who wins the contest will get a year's supply of milk and ice cream, which works out to about a quart and a half of milk and 18 truckloads of ice cream. The kid also will get a one-year premium family membership to the Honolulu Zoo.

I'd like to get a piece of that action. So I'm going to throw out some names for Baby Moo, and if some kid is smart enough to enter one of them in the contest and win, I'll take only a 25 percent cut of the ice cream allotment.

There are all kind of great names for a bull, especially one with the last name of Moo. If you go with the rhyme method, you've got names like Kazoo Moo, Igloo Moo, Yahoo Moo, Voodoo Moo and Poo Poo Moo.

If you like alliteration, there's Mikey Moo, Maurice Moo, Magnum Moo, Magneto Moo, Macarena Moo and the imposing Megacephalic Moo. (Megacephalic means "large-headed," so it would be kind of appropriate.)

It's cool to name animals after famous people, but you have to be careful. Sandra Day O'Connor Moo would be insulting to both the cow and the Supreme Court justice. Osama Bin Moo would just be insulting to the animal.

Since this is a Hawaiian bull, you could go with something like Mokey Moo. You can see Mokey Moo hijacking other cows when he gets older. ("Hey, gimme a quarter!")

Makai Moo, Mauka Moo and Mililani Mauka Moo are all good. Makapuu Moo works, too.

There you go, kids. Any one of these names can be a winner. Just don't forget the consultant's fee. Rocky Road, French Vanilla or Chocolate Chip are preferred.




Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.



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