Its an extended- EVEN WITH a lot of help, going back and forth daily between his family's home in Pacific Heights to his parents' home on McCully Street got to be too much, said Leslie Inouye.
family affair
Taking care of frail parents
is easier when everyone
lives togetherONE ROOF, MANY GENERATIONS
Helen Altonn / haltonn@starbulletin.com
So he and his wife, Nancy, began looking for property big enough to accommodate three generations, including two of their three children -- Kelsey, 12, and Sydney, 5 -- and his parents, Doris and Takeo (Shangy) Inouye, in their mid-80s. Their daughter Sasha, 23, lives in her grandparents' McCully home.
After a year together in their new Manoa residence, Nancy said, "It's been a good move in spite of all the work."
It's close to the childraen's schools -- Kelsey attends Punahou, and Sydney entered kindergarten this fall at Manoa Elementary School. And it's convenient for their parents -- Leslie teaches English at Roosevelt High, and Nancy is a counselor at Kaahumanu School.
It has been a big adjustment for his parents, who had lived on McCully Street almost 50 years, Inouye said.
"But just for safety and other issues, we had to (move them)," he added.
"We've had several instances where being here is good for everyone," he said.
His parents have privacy, but his family can monitor them closely, and they have called the ambulance a few times because of falls, he said.
His father, who retired in his 60s from Foremost Dairies, has diabetes and macular degeneration. His mother, who worked for AAA Hawaii for many years, then for the state, is wheelchair-bound with a degenerative condition.
Takeo Inouye cares for his wife during the day, and she receives bathing services from St. Francis Medical Center. The Moiliili Community Center assists the elder Inouyes with laundry and housecleaning and provides companionship.Leslie's sister also flies in once a month from Molokai and stays about four days so his family can enjoy outings.
"Being a son, I'm expected to care for my parents," Leslie said, "but so many others have come through for my parents. Nancy has done a lot of work and meal preparation. Kelsey has really grown through the experience. Nancy's mom (Shigeko Asato of Pacific Heights) cooks and sends food."
Other family members and friends also drive or pitch in for other tasks, he said, thanking a "web of people" for their help.
Nancy said Sasha has always been close to her grandparents, so they are happy when she visits them, and "Sydney is so joyful."
"It's an extended-family effort," she said.
Finding resources was difficult at first, she said, and it takes a lot of planning to prepare meals (which she does before going to work), schedule doctor appointments, transport everyone and juggle activities.
Leslie said he's learned that his wife has "a lot of strength."
"She knows I'm under the gun a lot of times. ... She tries to make sure I have a chance to go out by myself surfing," he said.
"With so many people living so close, we have to be sensitive to moods," Nancy said. "The main thing is that we give each other time for ourselves."
Nancy likes to walk and go shopping but also enjoys being at home and looks forward to working in the garden, she said.
She doesn't think the children feel neglected because their parents are caring for their grandparents.
"We do it in such a way that they don't feel they're competing for time."
Leslie said he hopes to give a feeling to others in the same situation that "it's not something they have to suffer alone with."