Honolulu Lite
Going to an Office of Hawaiian Affairs meeting hoping to find wit would be like going to a national columnists convention hoping to find sophisticated conversation. Our witless
politicians have lost the
art of the insultWe shouldn't be shocked anymore at what silliness comes wafting out of the doorway of an OHA board meeting. But when OHA trustee Charlie Ota's insulted John D. Waihee IV, things hit a new low.
Ota called Waihee a "son-of-a-bitch young bastard." It was utterly outrageous and an embarrassment to everyone who heard it. Can't our politicians come up with better insults than that?
Delivering insults is supposed to be an art. There should be some wit involved. Anything less simply becomes name-calling, the last refuge of the quip-impaired.
An insult also should involve only the person it is directed at. Ota's remark was thuggish because it insulted not only Waihee, but also his mother. To call someone a son of a bitch is crassly unfair to a woman who has nothing to do with the argument. To pile on and call him also a bastard implies that the previously defamed mother was not even married when young John was born. That sort of collateral damage is unnecessary, rude and, mostly, imprecise.
What makes a great insult? Let's look at some of the best. There's the dismissive insult, as when John Connally called George Bush Sr. "All hat, no cattle." Or, as then Texas Gov. Ann Richards put it: "Poor George. He can't help it, he was born with a silver foot in his mouth."
Politicians are best remembered for their best insults. Like when Lyndon Johnson said of Gerald Ford, "Gerry is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off."
Theodore Roosevelt said William McKinley had "all the backbone of a chocolate eclair." And Ross Perot described Dan Quayle as "an empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Insults are the most fun when two witty people go at each other. Winston Churchill and Lady Astor were the Muhammad Ali and George Foreman of insults.
She once said, "Winston, if I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." He replied, "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Another time, Churchill said of Astor: "I venture to say that my right honorable friend, so redolent of other knowledge, knows nothing of farming. I'll even make a bet that she doesn't know how many toes a pig has." To which she replied: "Oh, yes I do! Take off your little shoesies and have a look!"
One of the most famous give-and-take insults was between Dorothy Parker and Clare Booth Luce. On coming to a door, Luce stepped aside and said, "Age before beauty." Parker swept through and said, "Pearls before swine."
We can't expect that kind of snappy repartee between OHA trustees or even most of our other elected officials. But they could at least try a little harder.
Charlie Ota could have said of Waihee the Younger, "Kid, you're all name and no game." And Waihee could have responded, "You're a few vowels short of Hawaiian, pops." Now that's entertainment.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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