Honolulu Lite


Friday, May 25, 2001

Life bites for
man’s best friends

A recent study by an insurance group found that nearly 5 million people a year are bitten by dogs, which is not that surprising since dogs are not allowed to carry guns. Some people think dogs bite because of all the dog violence on television today. In the old days, we had Lassie promoting good dog values. Today we have Cujo and Scooby Doo.

Some dogs have good reason to bite. The Associated Press reported that a dog named Sweetie in Missouri was hit by a car. The owner assumed Sweetie was pau and buried her in the back yard. No trip to the vet or nothing. A few hours later, Sweetie dug herself out of the grave. Now, if I were hit by a car and then buried with no medical attention, I'd be ready to bite somebody.

On to other animal news:

Roof, roof, roof for dogs

BANGKOK (Reuters) >> Architects have found a new niche in a slack property market - making houses for dogs. The custom-made dog houses come with dormer windows, mosquito nets and tiled floors. The cedar dog houses cost between $198 and $396.

(In Bangkok, they don't just chuck their presumably dead dogs in holes in the back yard. They take 'em for a wok.)

Golfers cowed by bovine

STOCKHOLM (Reuters) >> An escaped cow stormed onto a Swedish golf course and charged a player and its two pursuing owners. A vet managed to inject the cow with a tranquilizer but the animal still rampaged around the fairways for more than an hour before disappearing into a nearby forest.

(Let's see, I got a birdie on two, an eagle on three and a Holstein on that par five. Golfers are armed with an entire bag of clubs and can't defend themselves from one lousy cow?)

Penguins saved, look silly

TASMANIA (BBC News) >> A consignment of emergency woolly jumpers have been sent to this Australian island to help protect a colony of penguins from oil spills. About 1,000 of the jumpers, which cover the penguins from neck to foot, have been specially knitted.

(The penguins protested having to wear the clothing, saying it made them look like "little ugly throw pillows." )

Weird Web site of the week: Awesome Movie Mistakes ( is a site dedicated to anal retentives who like to spy incongruities in movies, like when a beer glass is empty one second and half full a second later. But it is fun to see all the bloopers on this site, like in the movie "Pearl Harbor," where they had the Japanese bombing Newark, N.J.! (Just kidding.) One actual entry concerns the movie "Spice World" where Posh Spice jumps in the water in a orange life preserver and comes out of the water in a YELLOW preserver! I'm shocked they would make such a mistake in such a fine film. I've contacted the Academy Awards people.

Quote me on this: "I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others." -- Dame Edna Everage.

Honolulu Lite on Sunday: The sharks are circling and Linda Lingle is on the menu.

It's officially hurricane season, that period from now until November when we see what parts of the world God likes and which ones he hates.

I don't believe God actually hates certain areas, but a lot of people do. When Hurricane Iniki smashed into Kauai years ago, many Oahu residents said, 'God spared us," as if God somehow had it in for the good people of Kauai.

Anyway, there are certain things you can do to prepare for hurricane season in Hawaii, the most practical of which is to move Las Vegas. If you insist on staying, here are some tips from Honolulu Lite's Annual Hurricane Survival Guide:

>> Check to see if you have a supply of fresh batteries. The key word here is fresh. The batteries you've had in your portable CD player, hand-held Poker machine and remote-control race car for the past year are not fresh. Put brand-new batteries in those and other small appliances because, once your house is blown away, you're going to need some entertainment.

>> Check to see if you have any loose boards, plywood, broken lawn furniture or other dangerous materials sitting in your yard. These can become missiles in high winds. Quietly drop these items over the fence into your neighbor's yard.

>> Secure large picture windows with masking tape. This won't keep them from breaking but will amuse your neighbors.

>> Have a well-maintained, gas-powered generator handy to keep essential appliances running, such as the refrigerator in the garage that holds the beer.

>> Have a well-maintained high-powered rifle handy to keep jealous neighbors at bay when they spy you having a cold, frosty brew during the storm.

>> Attach cats, dogs and other outdoor pets to lanai railings with surfboard leashes. (Goggles optional).

>> Obtain a week's supply of pet tranquilizers from the vet. You'll need them. Your animals won't. But you will.

>> Fill your kitchen cabinets and cupboards with cans of Spam. First of all, it is a federal law that you have Spam on hand during a natural disaster and secondly, the sheer weight of the Spam stash might keep the house pinned down during high winds.

>> Have plenty of extra cash on hand because, after the storm, bribery will be the most efficient way to do business.

After the storm:

>> Count heads to make sure everyone is safe. Once the heads are counted, make sure there are corresponding bodies to go with them. If you find any extra heads and/or bodies, check with your neighbors to see if they are missing anyone and/or body parts.

>> Check the condition of your house. If an empty lot occupies the spot where your house used to be, then the condition of your house is "Gone."

>> If your house is there but you aren't sure whether it's structurally sound, let your neighbor go in first.

>> If everyone is safe and the house is OK, stow the firearms, crank up the CD player and hand out the beer because it's Party Time!

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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